Talk Funny Jokes

Collection of Funny Jokes, Pictures and Stories

When the Internet Calls You Teef Keef and Teef Sweat, You Lost

A couple of days ago, a picture started spreading around Instagram of a dude and his baby girl (who was around 2 years old). Folks said she had been kidnapped and asked for everyone to pass on the picture, in case anyone has seen her. Well, it turns out that the dude had faked her kidnapping because he got into a fight with his daughter’s mother. Chile… this is when Instagram went IN.

The picture of the dude with his daughter already made folks side-eye just because he had one feature that REALLY stood out: his teeth. They were veneers gone WRONG. So the minute the good and ratchet folks of IG found out he wasn’t some noble father concerned about his daughter but a bitter and scorned sperm donor, people let him have it. Look at this pic:

Teef Keef

This man has now been renamed “Teef Keef” by the internets and I AM HOLLERING! He’s also been called “Teef Sweat.” Miss Zindzi said “that man got a mouth full of iPhones” and I fell out then too. Those are clearly Samsung Galaxy S3s. This is what happens when your dentist is a “yes” man. You go in for veneers and he drops refrigerators in your mouth, leaving you outchea looking extra bogus.

But the best thing to come out of this new meme is the comment below, which is the caption that an Instagrammer with the name @SoSayGottaChill used for the picture above. I laughed so hard I almost choked on saliva.

Oh Lord I come to u this morning thanking u for allowing me to see another day Oh Lord but its something in my heart Oh Lord…there is a bigger problem Oh Lord ands it’s his teef Oh Lord…I know they not real Oh Lord I know he spent a check on em Oh Lord but did they run out of medium teef Oh Lord did he have to get the XXL White Tee Teef Oh Lord…they told him he would grow into the teef Oh Lord they told him don’t sneeze with ya mouf open cuz ya teef might stab u in the chest Oh Lord the installed a row of IPhone wall chargers in his mouf Oh Lord…they called him Teef Keef Oh Lord…EMan eem said give it up for Teef Sweat Oh Lord….the man could bite a piece of bread and make a doughnut Oh Lord…the boy teef look like blank dominoes Oh Lord…his teef got WiFi Oh Lord….we don’t eem know if he got a bottom row Oh Lord…the nig got the same mouf that fish had in Shark Tales Oh Lord…he look like the dog off The Mask Oh Lord…his teef are The Last Dragon Oh Lord…if he took a bite out of crime it would be a peaceful world Oh Lord…his teef look like kilos of cocaine Oh Lord…his teef got roadside assistance Oh Lord…his teef come with free nights and weekends Oh Lord….in Jesus Name We Pray…A TEEF…I mean AMEN Oh Lord.

i Quit Ocean gif

I AM DONE! That shadeful prayer had the old, present and new me dead and ALL the way gone. IT is full of so much shade and so much hilarity that I didn’t e’em finish one laugh before another came from the depths of my soul! He said his teeth got roadside assistance! I AM SO UNABLE!!! LMAOOOOO!!!

But yeah. The moral of this story is, don’t lie about such things as kidnappings because when folks find out the truth, they won’t like it. Also, get veneers in the size of NORMAL teeth. Outchea rocking fake teeth made for Goliath when you’re David.

So did you all fall out too at that comment like I did? I’ve read it about 5 times and I cannot stop laughing.

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Dysfonctionnement de Garde-robe

May 24th, 2013 Posted in funny jokes, talkfunnyjokes Tags: , , ,

Many of you know I’m in Paris at the moment. The city of decadent cuisine, stunning architecture, and of course, impossibly beautiful and fashionable people.

Women are always perfectly put-together from head to toe, and frankly, so are most men. An entire city has its act together.

And then there’s me.

Yesterday my husband and I walked a few square miles of the city and needed to rest.

We grabbed some coffee at a café and sat outdoors to watch Paris do what it does. My feet were killing me, so I pulled up a second chair, turned sideways and stretched my legs across it.

After about 15 minutes of people-watching, and people watching me, I felt a draft in an unusual place.

I looked down to find that while the top button of my pants was secure, my fly was completely unzipped. Say it with me: Compleeeeetely unziiiiiiiped. And because I was seated and bent at the waist, this created a giant peephole for the sideshow that was my underwear.

Keepin’ it classy, Kathy. Keepin’ it classy.

If I had any hopes of taking style tips from the French, I’m pretty sure it would start with fastening things that need to be fastened, especially relative to the région de crotch.

I’m sorry I offended you, Paris. But I know you still love me. You already said so!

Kathy Shop 2

Kathy Shop 1

Morgan Freeman Takes an Extended Blink (Nap) on Live TV

Sometimes, you’re in a meeting, sitting across someone at dinner or even on live TV and you notice your eyes getting heavy. And they start closing themselves and your head bobs. And the more you fight this, the heavier your lids get and the longer each blink you take lasts.

Morgan Freeman found himself in the same predicament the other day as he was promoting his latest movie with Michael Caine. Just watch on Q13 Fox’s site (I had the vid embedded here originally but it was autoplaying. BOOOO!)

morgan freeman asleep

Morgan TKO’ed.

HA! My dude was SO unable to fight the power of the strong nap that was descending upon him like a plague. That “I can’t do nothing to stop it” struggle is SO REAL and I feel you, Morgan! Morgan musta been TAH’D so don’t come for Morgan when he ain’t send for you, though.

If you were as old as he is, you’d fall asleep at random places too. If you were Jesus’ locker partner in the 3rd grade, surely your soul would be weary. Y’all know Morgan was God’s intern. That’s why he played Him so well. Bless his heart. I bet he got in the limo right after this and conked out like a G.

It’s happened to me more than a couple of times and chile… it’s like your body just says “I cannot. I must do this for us.” And you just knock out.

sleeping patrick gif

The times when I’ve been out and fell asleep at the table, as long as I wasn’t snoring or creating a drool puddle, I try to play it off. I be outchea tryna act like I was just checking out my nails. I’m a mess. Or when folks notice your head has been down for a while, you wake up, say “AMEN!” and look back up. Ain’t nobody gon check you for saying a prayer. HA!

So have you ever fallen asleep in public? What did you do to play it off? Did you even try?

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The GIF Debate: Is It GIF or JIF?

You know those moving pics I have in my blogposts? Yes, the ones that look like the Harry Potter movie come to life. Those are called GIFs (which stands for Graphics Interchange Format) and I have a folder with over 1,400 of them. I’m talmbout this:

Twerk Team gif 2

There is ALWAYS an excuse for a twerk team GIF.

The interwebs has been having an ongoing debate on how it’s pronounced for YEARS. Some people say it with a hard “G” and some (like me) say it with the soft “G” à la “Jif” like the peanut butter. I think “jif” sounds better.

Wells yesterday, the NYTimes published a story about an interview with George Wilhite, the creator of the GIF and at the end, they asked him how to pronounce it and he said.

“The Oxford English Dictionary accepts both pronunciations. They are wrong. It is a soft ‘G,’ pronounced ‘jif.’ End of story.”

gif or jif

BOOM! IN YOUR FACE HARD ‘G’ PEOPLE! *jigs* It’s “JIF,” snitches!!! I’ont curr if it reminds us all of the peanut butter. PEANUT BUTTER IS DELICIOUS!

And you’re probably saying “how can the G be soft when it stands for ‘graphics?’”When has the English language followed logic 100%? WHEN?!? Through and Though and rough are all pronounced differently for no reason. EXPLAIN THAT!

I’ma call it JIF forever! *pelvic thrusts*

IDGAF Janelle gif

I’ont care I’m soft JIFFing on you!

So… how do YOU pronounce it?

And I fully expect World War GIF to break out in my comments because this is a controversial issue that we all have feelings about. By “all” I mean those of us who be on Tumblr ALLATAHM. Discuss!

Soft G Hard G gif

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8 Reasons Why I Can’t Be a Fashion or Beauty Blogger

If this blogging game was high school, fashion and beauty bloggers would be the jocks. They’re the cool kids who people flock to, and they’re totally hot. They get a lot of perks and people just can’t help but stare at them because they make anything look good. I don’t know what humor bloggers would be considered but we’re probably the kids standing against lockers cutting class and making fun of everyone. Yes. That fits.

Anywho, although I have a shoe blog, I couldn’t do what fashion and beauty bloggers do. For many reasons. Some are below.

Reasons Why I Cannot Be a Fashion or Beauty Blogger

I’m not a fashionista – I have my own style but I don’t claim to be a fashionista. I do rock clothes that look good on me and I know what silhouettes flatter my little shape (Structured. Pencil. A-line. Nothing too flowy because I’m little and it will swallow me). Too bad they’re all the same outfits over and over again, just different colors. My uniform is jeans, a tank, a tailored blazer and fierce shoes. Now picture that in any combination of colors. That is me by default.

Luvvie Blazers

The same outfit. In 3 different colors.

If I was to have a fashion blog, people would throw tomatoes at me for being a walking cartoon (like how Bart Simpson’s closet is nothing but the same tshirt and shorts).

I don’t wear makeup often enough – My idea of makeup on a regular day is lipgloss and lotion on my face. TA-DA! If it’s not a special occasion like the Academy Awards, Red Pump’s fashion show or me meeting Idris Elba (one day, LAWD!), I’m barefaced. I’ve even been on TV with nothing but lipgloss on. Chile… I’d be the worst beauty blogger, taking pictures with dark circles under my eyes while rocking lipstick. That brings me to the next reason.

I’m ok with seeing bad pictures of myself – Life becomes less stressful when you get used to seeing yourself looking busted in pictures. Really and truly. There are countless pictures of me looking like struggle out there now, because of all the conferences I go to. One day, I saw a particularly bad one and shrugged my shoulders and went “oh well.” I looked like someone punched me in the face and caught me by surprise. What do you do? Not a damb thing. Beauty bloggers be looking FIERCE allatahm. That’s a lotta pressure I’m not willing to live up to. I wanna be able to be ugly in peace. I be all:

All-the-DambsText

My life is too boring for outfits of the day posts – Seriously, I don’t go places often. Yes, I travel a decent amount but when I’m in Chicago, I become a hermit. So I don’t really be going nowhere. I couldn’t do outfits of the day posts unless my outfits are my various pajamas. Monday, I’d post up my pajamas with the purple hearts. Tuesday, I might need to post up the same PJs because I’m still rocking them. Wednesday, I’d switch it up to the yellow and pink flannel PJs. And then Thursday, you’ll see me in the gray sweatpants. Friday, I might throw on jeans with chucks. Because I had to run to Walgreens right quick. And then twice a month when I’m out of town and in actual clothes, I’ll forget to take pictures of my outfit and just put up a post describing what I had on talmbout “I was kinda cute. Trust me on it.” Yeah, I’d be the worst fashion blogger ever.

I’m not a great poser – I feel like to be a fashion blogger, you have to know how to pose. I only have 2 poses: me holding up the peace sign and me with my hands on my hip. Yes, I have the photo-taking skills of a 7-year old. Or a rapper from the early 90s. I be in pictures like:

CartoonLuvvieBlazer

 

Bloggers be posing with their legs crossed while standing up, looking away, and just looking downright unimpressed that the camera is there. I tried the leg crossing thing once and almost face-planted. But then I tried it again and I MIGHT have it. As long as I’m holding on to something. Either way, I will stay in my lane. Related:

I tire of selfies quick – There is actually a limit to how many times I want to see myself up close making random faces to a camera in a time period.

selfie gif

I think this automatically takes me out the fashion and beauty blogger running. By the time I take the 3rd picture of my face from a different angle, I’m ready to apologize to my phone or camera for wasting its time.

I suck at painting my own nails – A lot of beauty bloggers do nail polish swatches and I envy them for their skill in painting their nails so well. The pictures look flawless, like their favorite Vietnamese manicurist makes house calls every day to hook them up. Me? I’m pretty terrible at nail painting. Since I’m right-handed, my left hand will look semi-decent, but my right hand will look like a work of abstract art. Nail polish be everywhere but on my actual nail beds.

Nail Fail2

Nail FAIL. 

The few times I can focus enough to even get it done, I smear it within 3 minutes. Without fail. No one wants to see a picture of that. Or a tutorial called “How to have the worst looking nails ever. Every time.” Not nobody. Also, I go months without manicures sometimes. Unless my beauty blog will be called “The Cuticled Chronicles” it will be a complete mess.

Fashion Week is my Kryptonite – I’ve been to fashion week a couple of times with Afrobella. Usually, I just go to do hoodrat things with my friends. But every time I go, I walk away with confirmation that it might not be for me. Like September 2012′s fashion week. We were at the Mercedes Benz Center and I had passes to go to a couple of shows. What I did instead was sit in the garden at the back and take a nap. I’m really not kidding. I put my feet up on the table and found a throw pillow on one of the nice chairs and hollered at a 30 minute extended blink. It was awesome. And I preferred to do that than watch the skinnier than me models rock clothes with no expressions on their faces.

Whatever Drunk gif

But to be fair, that nap DID hit the spot though.

And a bonus reason: I can’t detect undertones. My eyes aren’t as sharp as y’alls so my knowledge of color isn’t up to par. Beauty bloggers be outchea doing swatches and telling us the difference between two purple lipsticks or yellow nailpolishes, which look the exact same to me. Since MAC’s Riri Woo came out, folks been doing the side-by-side comparisons of the two. I’ve seen so many of these and they look like replicas of each other. MAC is hustling!

So yes, kudos to you fashion and beauty bloggers. Not only are they great for letting me know where I can get the cheap version of celebrity alphets, but they are great for finding the less ‘spensive dupes of high end makeup stuff.

And thanks to them for making the rest of us look bad by showing us that you can indeed look amazing everyday while standing on random sidewalks. Y’all are too fly and fancy for me! On the days when the best I can muster is a matching gray tshirt to the gray sweatpants, I look to your sites for inspiration, that one day, I will get my life together and look decent for more than 2 days at a time in one week.

Shoutout to some of my faves: Afrobella, The Fashion Bomb, The Sassy Peach, Chitown Fashionista, The Curvy Fashionista, GabiFresh, Style Pantry.

So, who are your fave style and beauty bloggers? And do they make you feel like the bum that you are? Let a G know.

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