Talk Funny Jokes

Sometimes, you’re in a meeting, sitting across someone at dinner or even on live TV and you notice your eyes getting heavy. And they start closing themselves and your head bobs. And the more you fight this, the heavier your lids get and the longer each blink you take lasts.

Morgan Freeman found himself in the same predicament the other day as he was promoting his latest movie with Michael Caine. Just watch on Q13 Fox’s site (I had the vid embedded here originally but it was autoplaying. BOOOO!)

Morgan TKO’ed.

HA! My dude was SO unable to fight the power of the strong nap that was descending upon him like a plague. That “I can’t do nothing to stop it” struggle is SO REAL and I feel you, Morgan! Morgan musta been TAH’D so don’t come for Morgan when he ain’t send for you, though.

If you were as old as he is, you’d fall asleep at random places too. If you were Jesus’ locker partner in the 3rd grade, surely your soul would be weary. Y’all know Morgan was God’s intern. That’s why he played Him so well. Bless his heart. I bet he got in the limo right after this and conked out like a G.

It’s happened to me more than a couple of times and chile… it’s like your body just says “I cannot. I must do this for us.” And you just knock out.

The times when I’ve been out and fell asleep at the table, as long as I wasn’t snoring or creating a drool puddle, I try to play it off. I be outchea tryna act like I was just checking out my nails. I’m a mess. Or when folks notice your head has been down for a while, you wake up, say “AMEN!” and look back up. Ain’t nobody gon check you for saying a prayer. HA!

So have you ever fallen asleep in public? What did you do to play it off? Did you even try?

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You know those moving pics I have in my blogposts? Yes, the ones that look like the Harry Potter movie come to life. Those are called GIFs (which stands for Graphics Interchange Format) and I have a folder with over 1,400 of them. I’m talmbout this:

There is ALWAYS an excuse for a twerk team GIF.

The interwebs has been having an ongoing debate on how it’s pronounced for YEARS. Some people say it with a hard “G” and some (like me) say it with the soft “G” à la “Jif” like the peanut butter. I think “jif” sounds better.

Wells yesterday, the NYTimes published a story about an interview with George Wilhite, the creator of the GIF and at the end, they asked him how to pronounce it and he said.

“The Oxford English Dictionary accepts both pronunciations. They are wrong. It is a soft ‘G,’ pronounced ‘jif.’ End of story.”

BOOM! IN YOUR FACE HARD ‘G’ PEOPLE! *jigs* It’s “JIF,” snitches!!! I’ont curr if it reminds us all of the peanut butter. PEANUT BUTTER IS DELICIOUS!

And you’re probably saying “how can the G be soft when it stands for ‘graphics?’”When has the English language followed logic 100%? WHEN?!? Through and Though and rough are all pronounced differently for no reason. EXPLAIN THAT!

I’ma call it JIF forever! *pelvic thrusts*

I’ont care I’m soft JIFFing on you!

So… how do YOU pronounce it?

And I fully expect World War GIF to break out in my comments because this is a controversial issue that we all have feelings about. By “all” I mean those of us who be on Tumblr ALLATAHM. Discuss!

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If this blogging game was high school, fashion and beauty bloggers would be the jocks. They’re the cool kids who people flock to, and they’re totally hot. They get a lot of perks and people just can’t help but stare at them because they make anything look good. I don’t know what humor bloggers would be considered but we’re probably the kids standing against lockers cutting class and making fun of everyone. Yes. That fits.

Anywho, although I have a shoe blog, I couldn’t do what fashion and beauty bloggers do. For many reasons. Some are below.

Reasons Why I Cannot Be a Fashion or Beauty Blogger

I’m not a fashionista – I have my own style but I don’t claim to be a fashionista. I do rock clothes that look good on me and I know what silhouettes flatter my little shape (Structured. Pencil. A-line. Nothing too flowy because I’m little and it will swallow me). Too bad they’re all the same outfits over and over again, just different colors. My uniform is jeans, a tank, a tailored blazer and fierce shoes. Now picture that in any combination of colors. That is me by default.

The same outfit. In 3 different colors.

If I was to have a fashion blog, people would throw tomatoes at me for being a walking cartoon (like how Bart Simpson’s closet is nothing but the same tshirt and shorts).

I don’t wear makeup often enough – My idea of makeup on a regular day is lipgloss and lotion on my face. TA-DA! If it’s not a special occasion like the Academy Awards, Red Pump’s fashion show or me meeting Idris Elba (one day, LAWD!), I’m barefaced. I’ve even been on TV with nothing but lipgloss on. Chile… I’d be the worst beauty blogger, taking pictures with dark circles under my eyes while rocking lipstick. That brings me to the next reason.

I’m ok with seeing bad pictures of myself – Life becomes less stressful when you get used to seeing yourself looking busted in pictures. Really and truly. There are countless pictures of me looking like struggle out there now, because of all the conferences I go to. One day, I saw a particularly bad one and shrugged my shoulders and went “oh well.” I looked like someone punched me in the face and caught me by surprise. What do you do? Not a damb thing. Beauty bloggers be looking FIERCE allatahm. That’s a lotta pressure I’m not willing to live up to. I wanna be able to be ugly in peace. I be all:

My life is too boring for outfits of the day posts – Seriously, I don’t go places often. Yes, I travel a decent amount but when I’m in Chicago, I become a hermit. So I don’t really be going nowhere. I couldn’t do outfits of the day posts unless my outfits are my various pajamas. Monday, I’d post up my pajamas with the purple hearts. Tuesday, I might need to post up the same PJs because I’m still rocking them. Wednesday, I’d switch it up to the yellow and pink flannel PJs. And then Thursday, you’ll see me in the gray sweatpants. Friday, I might throw on jeans with chucks. Because I had to run to Walgreens right quick. And then twice a month when I’m out of town and in actual clothes, I’ll forget to take pictures of my outfit and just put up a post describing what I had on talmbout “I was kinda cute. Trust me on it.” Yeah, I’d be the worst fashion blogger ever.

I’m not a great poser – I feel like to be a fashion blogger, you have to know how to pose. I only have 2 poses: me holding up the peace sign and me with my hands on my hip. Yes, I have the photo-taking skills of a 7-year old. Or a rapper from the early 90s. I be in pictures like:

Bloggers be posing with their legs crossed while standing up, looking away, and just looking downright unimpressed that the camera is there. I tried the leg crossing thing once and almost face-planted. But then I tried it again and I MIGHT have it. As long as I’m holding on to something. Either way, I will stay in my lane. Related:

I tire of selfies quick – There is actually a limit to how many times I want to see myself up close making random faces to a camera in a time period.

I think this automatically takes me out the fashion and beauty blogger running. By the time I take the 3rd picture of my face from a different angle, I’m ready to apologize to my phone or camera for wasting its time.

I suck at painting my own nails – A lot of beauty bloggers do nail polish swatches and I envy them for their skill in painting their nails so well. The pictures look flawless, like their favorite Vietnamese manicurist makes house calls every day to hook them up. Me? I’m pretty terrible at nail painting. Since I’m right-handed, my left hand will look semi-decent, but my right hand will look like a work of abstract art. Nail polish be everywhere but on my actual nail beds.

Nail FAIL. 

The few times I can focus enough to even get it done, I smear it within 3 minutes. Without fail. No one wants to see a picture of that. Or a tutorial called “How to have the worst looking nails ever. Every time.” Not nobody. Also, I go months without manicures sometimes. Unless my beauty blog will be called “The Cuticled Chronicles” it will be a complete mess.

Fashion Week is my Kryptonite – I’ve been to fashion week a couple of times with Afrobella. Usually, I just go to do hoodrat things with my friends. But every time I go, I walk away with confirmation that it might not be for me. Like September 2012′s fashion week. We were at the Mercedes Benz Center and I had passes to go to a couple of shows. What I did instead was sit in the garden at the back and take a nap. I’m really not kidding. I put my feet up on the table and found a throw pillow on one of the nice chairs and hollered at a 30 minute extended blink. It was awesome. And I preferred to do that than watch the skinnier than me models rock clothes with no expressions on their faces.

But to be fair, that nap DID hit the spot though.

And a bonus reason: I can’t detect undertones. My eyes aren’t as sharp as y’alls so my knowledge of color isn’t up to par. Beauty bloggers be outchea doing swatches and telling us the difference between two purple lipsticks or yellow nailpolishes, which look the exact same to me. Since MAC’s Riri Woo came out, folks been doing the side-by-side comparisons of the two. I’ve seen so many of these and they look like replicas of each other. MAC is hustling!

So yes, kudos to you fashion and beauty bloggers. Not only are they great for letting me know where I can get the cheap version of celebrity alphets, but they are great for finding the less ‘spensive dupes of high end makeup stuff.

And thanks to them for making the rest of us look bad by showing us that you can indeed look amazing everyday while standing on random sidewalks. Y’all are too fly and fancy for me! On the days when the best I can muster is a matching gray tshirt to the gray sweatpants, I look to your sites for inspiration, that one day, I will get my life together and look decent for more than 2 days at a time in one week.

Shoutout to some of my faves: Afrobella, The Fashion Bomb, The Sassy Peach, Chitown Fashionista, The Curvy Fashionista, GabiFresh, Style Pantry.

So, who are your fave style and beauty bloggers? And do they make you feel like the bum that you are? Let a G know.

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I did not watch the Billboard Awards yesterday because I frankly couldn’t muster any dambs to give about it. I didn’t e’em realize it was coming on til I saw a tweet about it around 4pm. Still. No dambs were given.

Anywho, when it wrapped, I started hearing about the performances, especially Miguel’s. During his set where he sang “Adorn,” he leapt from one part of the stage to another. Fans were between the stages, and it went more than slightly awry.

Shoutout to Grantland.com for this GIF

LMAO! WUT?!?

First of all, he approached it like he was in a long jump competition. The fact that he landed on his butt is hilarious because was that the plan all along? He shoulda tried to land on his feet, like a cat with a cowlick and too much hair gel.

When he was at rehearsal and he did that jump, was this the result then too? If it was, what made him think it’d be a good idea to try it LIVE and fail so poorly? If he did NOT rehearse this (which is what this looks like), what made him think it’d be a good idea to try it LIVE?

See a theme here?

Miguel is no athlete. The space between those stages doesn’t seem like TOO much. How could he miss the target by so much? He shoulda been at the tracks for weeks leading up to this show getting his hops together. People don’t practice no more all they do is leap.

But most importantly, the poor fan who he basically dropkicked through the goalposts of life and slammed her head on the stage. OUCH! That girl came to the Billboard Awards to cheer, not for her face to be used as a slap bracelet. That ish musta hurt like hell. GAHTDAMB! Miguel assured us all that she didn’t get seriously hurt though.

So no. He didn’t rehearse this. He got caught up in the spirit of the music and decided to leap between stages like he was some R&B Spiderman. No sir. No. And Khyati might be okay but I bet her dignity’s hurt. Your face doesn’t meet the floor and you walk away feeling like your day went well. Nope.

Oh Miguel. Bless your heart for having the FAIL moment of the night. The moral of this story is: Don’t do something you didn’t rehearse on the live telecast.

Did y’all watch the BillBoard Awards? Do you think Khyati needs to be compensated for her tough time? Also, am I the only one that laughed a little?

Check out Rembert Browne’s post on it on Grantland. His take is always hilarity.

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So me and Chescaleigh created two Scandal Bingo cards and asked folks to join us and play during the finale. They were so well-received and we’re glad you loved them.

Anywho, below are MY results for #ScandalBingo. And yes, I got BINGO on one of them!

Did I miss anything? I was gonna put a dot on “Olivia wears a gray blazer” but the gray coat she had on doesn’t count as a blazer.

Did you all have fun playing? Did anyone turn it into a drinking game and pass out? Also, shoutout to everyone who used their office printers to make them. HA!

I’d love to see YOUR #ScandalBingo boards. If you’re on Instagram, post a picture of your filled in boards, use the hashtag #ScandalBingo and tag Chescaleigh and I to them (we’re @Chescaleigh and @Luvvie on IG). You can also tweet us the pics or upload them to Franchesca’s fan page. Or mine!

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