Talk Funny Jokes

One day, an old woman was sitting in her rocking chair on her front porch. Beside her slept her mangy, old hound, Rex. Suddenly, a genie appeared, startling the old woman.
“Old woman,” the genie said, “I felt sorry for you sitting here looking old and tired, so I decided to grant you three wishes.”

The old woman thought about it and said, “Well, I’ve always wanted to be a young, beautiful princess.”

*Poof* The genie turned her into a young, beautiful princess.
The princess thought some more and said, “A princess should live in a castle, so could you do something about this old shack?”

*Poof* The old shack was tranformed into a huge castle.
Again the princess thought then asked,”Shouldn’t a beautiful princess have a handsome prince?”

The genie looked around and spotted Rex.
*Poof* Rex was transformed into a handsome Prince.
“Well, my work here is done,” the genie said and he disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The princess gazed at Rex the handsome prince and felt heart beating rapidly for he was the most handsome man she had ever seen. Rex, the handsome prince, strolled up the the beautiful princess and kissed her passionately. She melted in his arms and cried, “Take me Rex! Take me now!”

Rex then whispered in her ear, “Bet you’re sorry that you had me neutered now!”

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.’

The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, ‘I’d calm down if I were you.’

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said impatiently, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do
not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!’

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to
do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.’

‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a
burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly
at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green
head.

‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his
shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.’

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please”..!!!!

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Margaret looks up and says,
‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’

Furious, Bert yells, ‘ AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?’

‘Nope,’ she replies.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’

To which Margaret replies… ‘Shoulda bought a hat Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

“No” said Billy, “He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say.”