Talk Funny Jokes

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!”

The cowboy said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

Santa is Quitting

T’was the night before Christmas,
Old Santa was ****ed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks,
I have good mind to s**** the whole works
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of “Thanks Santa” what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money – the reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things
would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes – if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?

And the kids these days – they all are the pits
They want the impossible …Those mean little ****s
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s – No request for them
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!

Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There’s no Christmas this year…now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I’m going SOUTH for the season!!

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night a drunk leads the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked. “It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock” the drunk replied.

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup” replied the drunk.

“How’s it work?” the second guest asked, squinting at it.

“Watch” the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed “You friggin’ IDIOT!…it’s ten past three in the morning!”

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure the headaches you’ve had all these years. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for but he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need …. a new suit. That’ll make me feel a little better. ” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see . Size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16 1/2 neck.”

Joe was surprised. “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years.”

Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

The salesman said, “Let’s see. Size 36.”

Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since before I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head. “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”