Talk Funny Jokes

There was once a bird who wanted to defy the norm. It was winter and NO he wasn’t going to fly south and to warm weather. After a few days in the cold blizzards, he couldn’t take it anymore and started off to the South. Halfway there his wings froze and he plummeted to the ground below. He knew he was a goner and he made the dumbest mistake ever. Soon a horse passed by and crapped on the small bird. The heat of the shit warmed him and defrosted his wings. Finally able to breathe and move freely, the bird was ecstatic and chirping in joy. A cat in a nearby bush heard the bird and pounced on the bird, swallowing him in one gulp.

Moral of the Story:

- Everyone who shits on you doesn’t mean that they’re your enemy.

- Everyone who gets you out of shit aren’t necessarily your friend.

- And, if you’re warm and happy in a pile of shit….keep your mouth shut!

I always love paying card games in home, especially with friends. Though it is a form of gambling, I always find it fun and exciting. In this computer age there are many online slot games around that offer similar games and the best guide in gambling.

An old woman came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. “I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they’re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?”

“Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week.”

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson’s office. “Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I’m farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Calm down, Mrs. Harris,” said the doctor soothingly. “Now that we’ve fixed your sinuses, we’ll work on your hearing!!!”

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon…

Demon: Why so glum chum?

Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell.

Demon: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here…you a drinkin’ man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.

Demon: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca…we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!

Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.

Demon: Alright! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no biggie – you’re already dead remember?

Guy: Wow…that’s…awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.

Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever… If you go Bankrupt…well you’re dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…

Demon: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose – that’s right – you’re dead – who cares! O.D.!!

Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin’ place!!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh no.

Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you’re really gonna hate Fridays.