Talk Funny Jokes

You know you’re Software professional, when…

1. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of 3.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in
years.

3. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave.

4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to
you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friendsis
that they do
not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still
answer the
phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you
accidentally dial “0″
to get an outside line.

8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and
worked for three
different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o’clock
news.

11. Contractors out number permanent staff and are
more likely to
get long-service awards.

12. AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE…

13. You read! this entire list, and kept nodding and
smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding
it to
your “friends”.

15. You got this email from a friend that never talks
to you
anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn’t a
No.9.

18. And now you are laughing at yourself!

24 Jun 2009 08:05 am #1

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was
pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘ What does it look like? ‘ she
finally asked.

The police woman replied, ‘ It’s square and it has your picture on it. ‘

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and
handed it to the police woman. ‘ Here it is, ‘ she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

‘ Okay,
you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop !

Top Ten Excuses for Not Doing Math Homework

1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.

2. It’s Isaac Newton’s birthday.

3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn’t actually reach it.

4. I have the proof, but there isn’t room to write it in this margin.

5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.

6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.

7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.

8. I couldn’t figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.

9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.

10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn’t find it

Loser applied to a Medical School
- needless to say he never made it -
Because these are the answers he gave for medical terms.

Antibody – against everyone
Artery – the study of fine paintings
Bacteria – back door to a cafeteria
Benign – what you be after you be eight
Bowel – letters like a,e,i,o,u
Caesarian Section – a district in Rome

Cardiology – advanced study of Poker playing
Cat Scan – searching for lost kitty
Chronic – neck of a crow
Coma – punctuation mark
Cortisone – area around local court
Cyst – short for sister
Diagnosis – person with slanted nose
Dilate – the late British Princess Diana
Dislocation – in this place
Duodenum – couple in blue jeans
Enema – not a friend
False Labor – pretending to work
Genes – blue denim
Groin – to mash to a pulp / smile
Hernia – she is close by
Hymen – greeting to several males
Impotent – distinguished / well-known
Labor Pain – hurt at work
Lactose – people without feet
Lymph – walk unsteadily
Menopause – I no wait
Microbes – small dressing gowns
Obesity – City of Obe
Pacemaker – winner of Nobel Peace Prize
Protein – in favor of teens
Pulse – grain
Pus – small cat
Red Blood Count – Dracula
Rupture – Ecstasy
Secretion – hiding anything
Subcutaneous – not cute enough
Suture – Gujrati for “what do you want”
Tablet – small table
Tumor – extra pair
Ultrasound – radical noise
Urine – opposite of you’re out
Varicose – very close
Vas Deferens – extremely different
Vein – at what time?
Vitreous Humor – both witty & funny

Funny Stories
Ok. For those who know me personally (cutiebootie) you know I am a crazy a$$. So here’s a story to fill your days with kin teet.

Killer P

David had been a faithful Christianand was in the hospital near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the psator stood next to the bed, David’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frnatically for somethimg to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and David used his last bit of energy to scribble a not, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the not at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
A the funeral, as he ws finishing the euology, he realized that he wsa wearing the same jacket that he had been wearing when David died. He said, “You know, David handed me a not just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing David, I’m sure that there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”
He opened the note and read, ” You idiot, you are standing on my oxygen tube!”
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