Talk Funny Jokes

1. Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths in 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths in 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths in 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths in 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the
logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths in 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to minority religious groups not consulted in the
felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of
Health and Safety legislation as it is deemed too dangerous and could cut
something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident,
however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is
therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is
sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies.

He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is
such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have
cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them
off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority,
imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut
down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash.
They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving
behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on
release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately
at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for
environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT
for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20
profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state
for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths in 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan
to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and its money on a
derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama
and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million
pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the
biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old
lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the
emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it
back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send
their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their
relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport
them at the government’s expense. Following their holiday back home they
return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The
logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is
on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees
as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses
are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim
the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths in 2017

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July 1996
I have one very, very nervous patient ( actually I have many more then one). She is in her 50′s and divorced, very nice person. She is so nervous when she comes into the dental office you can feel her trembling as she sits down. She actually makes me jumpy just from the body language she sends out in waves of terror. Poor thing! I was trying to make some small talk so I asked her what was new in her life?

"Well", she said, "I just got a new condom" Nervously glancing at all the equipment. It registered with both of us at the same time. I couldn’t hold back a smile biting my lip and she blushed and was all embarrassed. I wasn’t sure what exactly to say next but I blurted out "Well I guess that means you have a new boyfriend!" Well she laughed (Thank God) and went on to tell me she meant a new condominium!

December 1997

Contributed Anonymously
Young woman, slightly overweight, well endowed, scoop neck blouse scaling max anteriors, nicked the papilla…. patient jumped, and we all know where the scaler went, right? All she did was smile at me and say,’You want to go get that, or do you want me to go get it?"

December 1997 (Christmas Bonus)

Contributed Anonymously
My first prophy patient was a woman. I did not tell her that she was my first. After I finished she remarked that she was my first patient. I was concerned that I had done something wrong or hurt her. She reassured me that everything was fine. Later I asked my clinical instructor how she knew. He said "women have a way of knowing when it is your first time".

September 1997

Contributed by Patrick J. Meaney
In my 5th year, on my first day in the new clinic and the new hospital, I sculled a small container of yellow liquid I thought must be Cepacol, a proprietary mouth rinse. Couple of dental assistants had indescribable looks on their faces, probably wondering for the rest of their lives why the dental student swallowed the bur disinfectant…

May 1997

Contributed by Doctor Doty
Early in my practice a funny thing happened on the way to quitting time. My assistant and I were diligently working away doing some fillings on a middle aged women patient. The assistant was suctioning and retracting and I was using the high speed to remove some old restorations. We paused for a moment for a needed rest for all concerned. As the assistant removed the suction from the patient’s mouth she passed fairly close to the patient’s eyelashes. Well one of the fake ones must not have been glued on real well and, you guessed it–right down the old suction hose. The patient wasn’t really sure what happened. I wasn’t sure what to do.

Speaking of suction stories…

One day we had a fly in the opertory that kept annoying us by buzzing around our heads. They don’t teach this in dental school but the suction tip can be used to vacuum up flies at will! I think the state dental board would insist that you change the tip after fly catching is complete!

April 1997

Contributed by Dominic
In the very early days of practicing. I wanted to quote a fee to a patient for a crown, but the patient kept calling the crown a cap. So, not wanting to confuse patients, I often use their vernacular. But this time I tried to say crown and cap at the same time. It came out "The fee for this CRAP is…" I was glad the patient wasn’t a psychologist.

A good example of why dentists should never be quoting fees for anything.
August 1996

Contributed by Walter Kent
We’ve all had the experience of not being recognized by our patients if we meet outside the office setting, but how’s this for a resolution: We’re in a crowded family restaurant, the most popular place in town, and I greet a young female patient there with her husband and three kids. She looks at me puzzlingly for a moment or two and then blurts out, "Oh, Dr. Kent, I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on."

June 1996
Our office is totally computerized, including the appointment book. When patients call in for treatment not yet planned (say, a broken filling, extraction, or sensitive tooth), the receptionist is to enter the reason for the visit in a small text box that appears on the screen with the appointment information.

Well, one of our patients called for a visit and apparently wanted a filling done for her son and her bleaching tray checked at the same time. The receptionist put a note on the appointment: Patient’s mother wants you to do her.

Of course I broke out laughing when I read the note just before the child was seated for his appointment. The mother asked me what was so funny. I really couldn’t tell her now, could I!

January 1996
We routinely use nitrous oxide for many of our young patients and some of our adult patients, as well. After I explain the procedure and what to expect from the nitrous oxide to the patient I place the mask over the patient’s nose and my usual little speech shortly there after is "When you start to feel it, let me know" Meaning that when the patient starts to feel the effects of the nitrous oxide let me know so I can start the procedure.

Well one day my tongue was slightly twisted. Instead of saying the above I said "When you start to fart let me know." Well I could only imagine what the patient was thinking at the time. "He is filling me up with gas; when I am too full he wants to know!" I had to duck around the corner and laugh at the thought. I definitely had a hard time being serious the rest of the procedure. I am sure the patient thought he hadn’t heard me correctly!

man in hospital bed,wearingoxygen mask over his nose an mouth,he mumbles”r my testicles black?”
nurse raises his gown,holdin his manhood in 1 hand an testicles in the other.she takes a close look an says theres nothin wrong with them sir.
the man takes his mask off an says very slowy
thanks for that but i said”ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK”

My kids love caterpillars, especially the 3-yr-old, Emily. One morning, she was playing with a bunch of caterpillars with her 1.5 yr-old brother, Evan on the playskool table. They were playing good together. I went to get a washcloth and less than a minute, I heard Emily scream on the top of her lung, “Farrahhhh!!There’s a caterpillar throws up on Evan’s forehead!!!!” I was like…”what??!?!?, what’s going on” and walk back to the table and no knowing what to expect from a three year old.
I was shocked to find a green gooey smushed caterpillar on Evan’s forehead!!! And Emily looked at me and said ” Seeee, I told ya, there’s a caterpillar’s throw-up on hims forehead!!”.

What happened was, Evan banged his head on the table and end up crushing the poor caterpillar! I knew I went to get a washcloth for good reason!!!

The moral of the story is; Listen to your young one even though it sounds so silly sometime!! like Caterpillar’s throw up

EACHER: Why are you late?
Johnny Martin: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
Johnny Martin: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go
Slow.”
*-
TEACHER: Johnny, why are you doing your maths sums on
the floor?
JOHNNY: You told me to do it without using tables!
*-
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
JOHNNY: “HIJKLMNO”!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
JOHNNY: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!
*-*
TEACHER: Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
JOHNNY: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Johnny!
*-*-*

TEACHER: Johnny, name one important thing we have
today that we
didn’t have ten years ago.
JOHNNY: Me!
*-*-*-

TEACHER: Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?
JOHNNY: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you
are.
*-*-*

JOHNNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
JOHNNY: Your name on this report card.
*-*-*-

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
insects?
JOHNNY: Don’t bite any.
*-*

TEACHER: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
JOHNNY: I is…
TEACHER: No, Johnny. Alwayss