Talk Funny Jokes

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Animals
Ano ang animal na di sigurado? BAKA.
Ano naman and laging napuputol? CAT.
E, ano naman ang palaging ayos? Eh, di OX.
Paano naman ang pangit? Eh di COW!
Hulog ng Langit
Alam mo ba kung bakit hulog ka ng langit?
DAHIL BAWAL KA DOON…!
Erap on Fatigue
General: Mr. President, I think our troops are over-fatigued.
Erap: Okay. Let them wear khaki naman for a change.
What’s the difference between ACCIDENT, CALAMITY and DISASTER?
When your girlfriend gets pregnant – ACCIDENT
When you live with her – CALAMITY
When your wife finds out – DISASTER!
Pure Filipino
Andres Bonifacio………..100% Filipino
Andres Soriano…………..50% Filipino, 25% Spanish,25% American
Manoling Maroto…………50% Filipino, 50% Filipina
Lucio Tan……………….50% Chinese, 50% Tax Evader
Joesph Estrada………….25% Filipino, 75% Alcohol
Lovelines through the years
1950s-Iniirog kita.
1960s-Iniibig kita.
1970s-Minamahal kita.
1980s-I love you.
1990s-Tara sa kwarto.
2000s-Pwede na rito.
Age
AGED MATRONA: sa palagay mo, mahal, ilang taon na ako?
D.I. : kung titignan kita sa buhok 18 ka lang; kung nakatalikod 16 lang. kung sa kutis 22 lang. bale total ay 56 sweetheart.
SPANISH TRANSLATION
RAPE – puerza a la puerta
RAPE WITH CONSENT – puerza a la puerta con gusto
HONEYMOON – preparazion con todo birada puerta la mama yiha yiha
Punso
B1: Bakit lumaki yung paa ni Amy?
B2: Sinipa yung punso!
B1: Bakit lumaki yung nguso ni Fe?
B2: Dinuraan yung punso. O pare saan ka pupunta?
B1: Iihi sa punso!
Fuera
Spanish teacher: Class use ‘fuera’ in a sentence.
Student: Mis maestras son bonitas (my teachers are beautiful).
Teacher: Oh, that’s very flattering but where’s ‘fuera’?
Student: Fuera ka!
TAN
Noon problema natin dito Pilipinas sina Dante Tan, Manny Tan at si Lucio Tan. Ngayon naman, ang problema ay mga Pakis Tan at Afganis Tan. Kailan ba tatahimik ang mga Tan na iyan? Tan ina naman, oo!
REASON TO LIVE
Doctor: “Six months na lang ang itatagal ng buhay mo, kaya mag-asawa ka ng pangit.”
Lalaki: “Bakit doc, gagaling ba ako?”
Doctor: “Hindi, pero at least gugustuhin mo na talagang mamatay.”
THOUGHTS
Sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears.
When you are worried, no one sees your pain.
When you are happy, no one sees your smile.
Pero subukan mong umutot, LAHAT LILINGON SA IYO, TITITIGAN KA PA!
HEAVEN OR HELL
A girl, newcomer in HELL, complained to Satan: “Ang dami ngang cute guys dito, kaya lang kapirangot ang kanilang mga ari-arian.”
Sagot naman ni Satanas: “Gaga! Kung malaki iyan, eh, di para ka ring nasa HEAVEN!”
CONFIDENCE…..
…..is when you are caught by your wife with another woman in bed and you can readily stand up and say, “DON’T WORRY HONEY, YOU’RE NEXT!”