Talk Funny Jokes

A New Zealand man who called police officers ‘pigs’ has been ordered to spend a day at a pig farm.

The 22-year-old has also been ordered to write an essay about the difference between pigs and police officers.

The man was charged with using offensive language after he hurled abuse at police during a trip to Auckland.

Community Magistrate Robyn Paterson at Tauranga District Court ordered him to spend a day at a pig farm and present a short essay on his experiences, reports The Bay of Plenty Times.

According to the newspaper, he wrote: “I was very, very drunk. I have stopped drinking because of what happened. I have wasted the police’s time and my time.”

He maintained the word pig could be found in the Oxford dictionary and was often used to describe police.

But added he had learned ‘that there is nothing at all in common with a pig and an officer’.

A true pinoy is ….

* you’re related to everyone.
* your parents call each other “Mommy” and “Daddy”
* you have uncles and aunts names Boy, Girlie, or Baby.
* you have relatives whose nicknames consist of repeated syllables, such as Jun-Jun, Ling-Ling, Mon-Mon.
* you call the parents of your friends and your own parents’ friends “Tito and “Tita.”
* All of your children have 4 or 5 names.
* you greet your elders by touching their hands to your forehead.
* you always kiss your relatives on the cheek whenever you enter or leave a room.
* your grandmother greets you by giving you “smelling kisses.”
* you live with your parents until – and at times even after you’re married.
* you can’t build or buy a house unless you first consult a feng shui expert.
* your house has a distinctive smell.
* you decorate your living room wall with your family’s framed diplomas and certificates.
* you decorate your dining room wall with a giant wooden spoon and fork and a picture of the Last Supper.
* you keep your furniture wrapped in plastic.
* most of your home decor is made out of wicker.
* your house has a “dirty” kitchen and a “clean” kitchen.
* your kitchen table has a vinyl tablecloth.
* you recycle plastic shopping bags as garbage bags.
* you own “Footsteps in the Sand” poster.
* you have a piano that no one plays.
* you keep a tabo in your bathroom.
* you own a “barrel man.”
* you use a stone to scrub yourself in the shower.
* you use Vicks Vapor Rub as an insect repellant.
* your meal isn’t complete without rice.
* you use your fingers to measure the water you need to cook rice.
* you can’t eat a meal without a spoon and fork.
* you feel insulted if your visitors don’t eat what you offer them.
* you always cook 3 times more than what your visitors can consume, when there’s a party.
* your pantry is never without Spam, Vienna sausage, corned beef, and sardines.
* you can’t enjoy a meal without patis or bagoong.
* you eat fried Spam and hotdogs with rice.
* you eat mangoes with rice – with great gusto.
* you enjoy chocolate rice pudding and dried salted fish for breakfast.
* you have a rosary or “fake bananas” hanging from your rear view mirror.
* you tail an ambulance or cop just to beat the traffic.
* your car horn can either laugh, bark, or moo.
* your car plays a song when it backs up.
* you can squeeze 15 passengers into your Honda Civic without a second thought.
* you think traffic regulations are recommendations, not rules.
* you think that traffic signs apply to everybody except yourself.
* you point with your lips.
* you eat using your hands and have it down to technique.
* your other piece of luggage is a balikbayan box.
* you collect items from hotels or restaurants “for souvenir’s sake.”
* you go to a department store and try to bargain the prices.
* you use an umbrella for shade on hot summer days.
* you scratch your head when you don’t know the answer.
* you play pusoy and mahjong.
* you put your hand in front of you as if to make a path and say “Excuse, excuse” when you pass in between people or in front of them.
* you buy tons of bath towels when they go on sale.
* you still wear outdated clothes you have when you first came to the USA.
* you say “comfort room” instead of “bathroom”
* you say “for take out” instead of “to go.”
* you “open” or “close” the lights.
* you ask for “Colgate” instead of “toothpaste.”
* you say Kodakan instead of “take a picture.”
* you turn around when someone says “pssst.”
* you say “Cutex” instead of “nail polish.”
* you say “he” when you mean “she” and vice versa.
* you say “air-con” instead of “a/c” or air conditioner.
* you pronounce “F” for “P” or “P” for “F”.
* you own a karaoke system.
* you have 5 pairs of tsinelas on your doorstep.
* you refer to your VCR as the “Beytamax”
* you have a rice dispenser with a matching rice cooker.
* you own a Mercedez and call it “chedeng”
* you have “My Shaldan” air freshener in your car.
* you were raised to believe that every Filipino has an aunt, uncle, and cousins.
* your mom or sister is a nurse.
* you consider dilis the Filipino equivalent of french fries.
* you dip bread in your morning coffee.
* “Goldilocks” means more to you than just a character in a fairy tale.
* your baon is usually something over rice.
* you eat rice for breakfast.
* you wash and re-use plastic utensils and styrofoam cups.
* you have a supply of frozen lumpia in the freezer.
* you have an ice-shaver for making halo-halo.
* you have to have a bottle of Jufran handy.
* you know that chocolate meat isn’t really made out of chocolate.
* you spend Holy Week either performing acts of penitence or vacationing.
* you get together with family at a cemetery on All Saints’ Day to eat, drink, and tell stories by your loved ones’ graves.
* you think the Christmas season begins in September and ends in January.

Translations Included

#1
kid: ma! dalian mo si kuya nagbigti sa banyo!
mother: ano?!
nagmadali yung nanay papunta sa banyo. wala pala dun yung anak nya.
mother: ikaw talaga. tinakot mo ako! wala naman yung kuya mo dun eh.
kid: joke lang! sa kwarto siya nagbigti.

trans.
kid: ma! kuya (older brother) hanged himself in the bathroom!
mother: what?!
the mother rushed to the bathroom. her son wasn’t there.
mother: you little rascal! you frightened me to death!
kid: just kidding. he killed himself in the bedroom.

#2
father: o anak kamusta na? ano ginawa nyo sa school?
daughter: papa naglaro po kami tsaka nagtumbling po ako.
father: ano ka ba! sabi ko nga wag kang magta-tumbling eh. makikita panty mo!
daughter: eh di naman po makikita kasi nilagay ko sa bag ko

trans.
father: how are you? what did you do at school today?
daughter: we played around and i did cartwheels.
father: i told you not to do cartwheels at school! everyone’s going to see your panties!
daughter: oh don’t worry. nobody saw my panties because i put them in my bag.

#3
father: oy junior, wag kang babakla bakla ah. umayos ka. magpakalalake ka nga.
son: opo papa. papunta na nga po ako sa basketbolan eh.
father: yan ang anak ko! lalakeng lalake.
son: ma, nakita mo pompoms ko?

trans.
father: oy junior, don’t you ever act gay.
son: yes father. in fact, im on my way to a basketball game.
father: yes, that’s my boy!
son: ma, did you see my pompoms?

#4
child: ma, galing ng teacher namin! tinuruan kami ng magagandang asal!
mother: talaga? eh di marunong ka nang mag-po at opo?
child: natural. tanga ka ba?

trans.
child: my teacher’s so good. she taught us good manners.
mother: really? so do you know how to use po and opo?
child: of course. are you stupid?

#5 – PICKUP LINE
posporo ka ba? posporo kasi ako eh. match tayo

A Japanese guy (J) is at Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan. While he’s waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars.
He counts his money at the counter and says to the clerk (C):
# J: Wait a minute. When I came here I got more dollars for my yen. What’s going on here?
# C: Fluctuations.
The Japanese man stiffens.
# J: Well! Fluck you Americans, too!

Animals
Ano ang animal na di sigurado? BAKA.
Ano naman and laging napuputol? CAT.
E, ano naman ang palaging ayos? Eh, di OX.
Paano naman ang pangit? Eh di COW!
Hulog ng Langit
Alam mo ba kung bakit hulog ka ng langit?
DAHIL BAWAL KA DOON…!
Erap on Fatigue
General: Mr. President, I think our troops are over-fatigued.
Erap: Okay. Let them wear khaki naman for a change.
What’s the difference between ACCIDENT, CALAMITY and DISASTER?
When your girlfriend gets pregnant – ACCIDENT
When you live with her – CALAMITY
When your wife finds out – DISASTER!
Pure Filipino
Andres Bonifacio………..100% Filipino
Andres Soriano…………..50% Filipino, 25% Spanish,25% American
Manoling Maroto…………50% Filipino, 50% Filipina
Lucio Tan……………….50% Chinese, 50% Tax Evader
Joesph Estrada………….25% Filipino, 75% Alcohol
Lovelines through the years
1950s-Iniirog kita.
1960s-Iniibig kita.
1970s-Minamahal kita.
1980s-I love you.
1990s-Tara sa kwarto.
2000s-Pwede na rito.
Age
AGED MATRONA: sa palagay mo, mahal, ilang taon na ako?
D.I. : kung titignan kita sa buhok 18 ka lang; kung nakatalikod 16 lang. kung sa kutis 22 lang. bale total ay 56 sweetheart.
SPANISH TRANSLATION
RAPE – puerza a la puerta
RAPE WITH CONSENT – puerza a la puerta con gusto
HONEYMOON – preparazion con todo birada puerta la mama yiha yiha
Punso
B1: Bakit lumaki yung paa ni Amy?
B2: Sinipa yung punso!
B1: Bakit lumaki yung nguso ni Fe?
B2: Dinuraan yung punso. O pare saan ka pupunta?
B1: Iihi sa punso!
Fuera
Spanish teacher: Class use ‘fuera’ in a sentence.
Student: Mis maestras son bonitas (my teachers are beautiful).
Teacher: Oh, that’s very flattering but where’s ‘fuera’?
Student: Fuera ka!
TAN
Noon problema natin dito Pilipinas sina Dante Tan, Manny Tan at si Lucio Tan. Ngayon naman, ang problema ay mga Pakis Tan at Afganis Tan. Kailan ba tatahimik ang mga Tan na iyan? Tan ina naman, oo!
REASON TO LIVE
Doctor: “Six months na lang ang itatagal ng buhay mo, kaya mag-asawa ka ng pangit.”
Lalaki: “Bakit doc, gagaling ba ako?”
Doctor: “Hindi, pero at least gugustuhin mo na talagang mamatay.”
THOUGHTS
Sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears.
When you are worried, no one sees your pain.
When you are happy, no one sees your smile.
Pero subukan mong umutot, LAHAT LILINGON SA IYO, TITITIGAN KA PA!
HEAVEN OR HELL
A girl, newcomer in HELL, complained to Satan: “Ang dami ngang cute guys dito, kaya lang kapirangot ang kanilang mga ari-arian.”
Sagot naman ni Satanas: “Gaga! Kung malaki iyan, eh, di para ka ring nasa HEAVEN!”
CONFIDENCE…..
…..is when you are caught by your wife with another woman in bed and you can readily stand up and say, “DON’T WORRY HONEY, YOU’RE NEXT!”