Talk Funny Jokes

Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, “Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon.”

The captain tells the man,” Get my red coat and prepare for battle!”

The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.

The captain tells the assistant “If I was shot you would not be able to tell I’m bleeding and you would keep fighting.”

The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, “Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!”

The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him “Get me my brown pants!”

Why have bread when you can have a schadenfreude

Tech Support: “What does the screen say now.”
Person: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”
Tech Support: “Well?”
Person: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

There was a cat and a mouse who went to heaven, and they were there at the same time. Well, the mouse approaches God’s throne, and God asks him, “So, how do you like it up here?”

The mouse says, “It’s nice, but could I get a pair of roller skates?”

God says, “Sure.”

So, the mouse gets his roller skates.

Well, the next day, the cat approaches God’s throne, and the same question is directed at him. So, he answers, “It’s great! I didn’t know you had meals on wheels up here!”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT,
“And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The engineer cooly said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – for starters, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

“Yeah,” the interviewer shrugged, “But you started it.”

In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You d**n Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
“See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from afar.’”