Talk Funny Jokes

How to get rid of blind dates
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the place mat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at women’s legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than s/he does.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What took you so long in the restroom?!?”
23. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
24. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
25. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
26. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
27. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
28. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
29. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
30. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
31. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e., anything on the table that isn’t bolted down.
32. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
33. Auction your date off for silverware.
34. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
35. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
36. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
37. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
38. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
39. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
40. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
41. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
42. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you’re taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it’s a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
43. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
44. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
45. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
46. Accuse your date of espionage.
47. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
48. Don’t use any verbs during the entire meal.
49. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
50. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you’ve brought along.
51. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
52. Make sure your entire outfit was purchased at the Purdue University Bookstore.
53. After kissing him/her explain that you’re doing a study on the spread of mononucleosis.
54. Shoot hoops with shrimp into his/her wine glass.
55. Show up with make up on ninety percent of your body…all lipstick… especially if you’re male.
56. Dominate the conversation. Every time your date opens his/her mouth, interrupt and start a new conversation.
57. As you food arrives, mention how long it’s been since you last ate raw meat.
58. Yawn. Don’t cover your mouth. Roar.

This story is from the bowels of a support center helping new customers migrate to a new OS.

This customer was helped by the first level tech for an hour, step by step, making sure every step is followed to the T.

Then the supervisor jumps in and helps the customer. No luck.

Then the manager jumps in and goes through the same steps – ” Now Press F12″. Same story!!

The manager has a brain wave and asks ” now how did you press F12 key?”

“What F12 key?.. I pressed F, then 1 and then 2!” says the customer!!!

1.Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupidand, if so, to please stand.
Little jimmy stood up,alone.
Mrs. White said, “Jimmy, do you really think you are stupid?”
“No,” Jimmy said, “But i didn’t want you satanding up there alone.”
2.At school Johhy was told by a class mate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
Johhny went home and told his mom, “I know the whole truth,” His mother gives him $20 and says,”Just dont tell your father.”
Then the boy waits for his dad to come home and tells him, “I know the whole truth.” the father gave him $40 and says, ” Just dont tell your mother.”
Then the boy on his way to school the next morning sees the mailman and tells him, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail bag and, opens his arms, and says, “then come and give your real daddy a great big hug!”.

A lawyer, a doctor and a computer engineer are driving a car up a curvy, hilly road.

The car speeds around a corner, slips, smashes through the highway barrier, and flies down a cliff.

By some miracle, the 3 people survive.

The doctor immediately says: “We need to make sure that everyone is ok. Any bones broken?”

The lawyer says: “We need to find out who built that defective road and sue them!”

The engineer says: “Let’s not jump to conclusions. What we gotta do is push the car back up the hill and see if this happens again.”

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around
Lowe’s when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy,
“Sorry about that, I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying
attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for
my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, “It doesn’t matter… let’s look for yours.”