Talk Funny Jokes

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up.

The brother hesitated, and then said, ?I?m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.?

The man was very upset and yelled, ?You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn?t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.?

The brother thought about it and apologized.

?So how?s Mom?? asked the man.

?She?s on the roof and won?t come down.?

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, ?I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.? ?Odd,? her companion replies, ?but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.?

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. ?Two dogs, please,? says one. The vendor is very pleased to ovlige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their ?dogs?. The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, ?What part did you got??

The Paramedic

One day, gambling at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called out, “My son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!” A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy’s gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. “Thank you! Thank you!” the father cried. “Are you a paramedic?” “No,” replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”
Redhead at the Casinos

Two bored internet casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m bottomless.” With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants!” She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. “YES! I WIN! I WIN!” With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?” The other answers, “I thought YOU were watching her dice!”

A Dime of Luck

Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men’s room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on  the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, “I’m that man. I was the one who gave you the dime.” “You’re not the one I’m looking for. I’m looking for the guy who left the door open!”

How ill you represent our planet in the Miss Galazy pageant?
How does the swimsuit portion in our pageant contribute to world peace?
If you were to become a butt, what butt would you choose, the right butt or the left butt?
Why is there a hole in donut
Why do you think the hosts always say “ladies, you are all winners” during beauty pageants.
As part of her official duties, we will be sending the new Miss Universe to Iraq,Afghanistan,North Korea and the Gaza strip to promote world peace. Tell us how you plan to do it if you win
If you were an illegal drug, what would you be and why
What do you think is the most worn-out expression used in this pageant and why?
WHy do you think Miss USA is always included in the semi-finalist and finalist portion year after year?
How would you feel if your best contestant friend in the pageant was formerly a man who underwent a sex-change operation
Which of the judges do you think doesn’t like you?
What do you think is the most stupid question given to Miss Universe contestants and why
Aside from you face, what is your problem
What do yout think is prettier, phlegm or pus
If you will be given a chance, what would be that chance and why
Why do you think the world is round
If you were a prostitute, how should you charge and why
If you were going to represent other country, what would be that country be and why