Talk Funny Jokes

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dear te, dear te, dear te!!!’

-sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal.

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Ang Katapat ni Inday

AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
inday: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
pulubi: oh! I’m so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
nosebleed!!!.hehehe

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Why God invented menopause:

Once upon a time, a 70 year old woman gave birth.
bisita: pwedeng makita ang baby mo?
MOM: mamaya na.
30 minutes after.
bisita: pwede na bang makita?
MOM: oo, pero hintay muna tayo na umiyak kasi nakalimutan ko kung saan ko linagay.

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In a Class…

teacher: ano ang pambansang ibon?
BOY: chicken?
teacher: hindi! kulay brown ito!
BOY: fried chicken!
teacher: hindi! mas maliit ito sa chicken.
BOY: knorr chicken cubes!
teacher: get out!

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Suportahan taka…

Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.
Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!

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Finding Denominator….

BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator daw.
DAD: ha? aba’y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba’y di pa ba nila nakik*ta?

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1St Time…

BOY: is this your first time?
GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!

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magsyota sa motel.

BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!

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Ang Pulubi…

isang araw sa may tindahan.
pulubi: palimos po.
tindero: wala po, patawad.
pulubi: sige na po, kahit magkano.
tindero: sya sige! Eto, dos.
pulubi: salamat po ng marami. Isang Malboro nga po, yung menthol.

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Na-late sa 500…

titser: bat ka na-late?
edward: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
titser: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
edward: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.

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a thirsty city girl went to a barrio

GIRL: where galling your water manong?
matanda: sa ilog ineng.
GIRL: ha? You drink that water manong?
matanda: duhhh! Why, sa syudad ba chine-chew?

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death of MR.BEAN’s mother

Mr Bean: (crying) the doctor just called up, my mom’s dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(after 2 minutes, Mr. Bean cries even louder.)
Friend: what now, Mr. Bean?
Mr Bean: my sister just called. Her mom died too.

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Ot Ot…

NOEL: ipapangalan ko sa aking anak ” leon ” baliktad ng Noel.
nino: sa akin onin baliktad ng nino.
TOTO: wag niyo akong maisali-sali dyan sa usapan niyo!

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Promise…

MR: hon promise simula ngayon, iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko.
MRS: wow. Thank you love. Ako naman, I promise, ang susunod nating anak, ikaw na ang ama. Promise talaga.

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Moral Support!!!

sa sabungan, walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong. Si Juan para makalibre pumasok may dalang inahin.
bantay: [sinita si Juan] ano yan?
JUAN: [galit pa!] manok!
bantay: alam ko, eh bakit inahin?
JUAN: may laban ang mister niya, siyempre moral support bobo!

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May Kabit???

INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi?
ANAK: ‘you only have zero pesos in your account…’ hindi ko na tinapos nay mukhang matapobre.

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erap sa pizza hut…

waiter: sir, do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 slices or 8 slices?
ERAP: into four na lang, masyadong marami yung eight. di ko mauubos.

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Erap in Museum..

Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
attendant: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago!

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Sugarfree…

GMA: Ano bang hinahanap mo dyan sa 3 in 1 coffee mo at
kanina ka pa silip nang silip dyan?
Erap: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal! May nakasulat
kasi na “Sugarfree.”
GMA: Bobo! Banda yun!

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Walang nagpalaki….

Bitoy: Dagul, bakit ang pandak mo?
Dagul: Kasi, bata pa lang ako, ulila na ako.
Bitoy: Anong kaugnayan nun sa pagiging pandak mo?
Dagul: Sira pala ulo mo! Wala ngang nagpalaki sa akin!

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Think Positive….

Doc: Iho, bakit mu naman sinapak yung lalaki kanina?
Boy: E Doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako sa
resulta ng aids test tapos sasabihin pa niya…
think positive pare!

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ERAP to MILF : Sumuko na kayo!

MILF: Di kami susuko pag di mo maispel ang CEASEFIRE.

ERAP : Tama na! Tuloy ang giyera.

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Pa-landing na ang presidential plane. Napansin ng stewardess na parang sumasakit ang tenga ni President Erap dahil sa air pressure kaya lumapit ito.

‘Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumakit ang tenga ninyo sa flight,’ sabi ng stewardess.

Tinanggap ni Erap ang chewing gum. Ilang sandali pa, lumapag na ang eroplano. Kinausap ni Erap ang stewardess.

‘Miss, paano ko tatanggalin ang chewing gum sa tenga ko?’ tanong nito.

NAGTINDA NG HALO-HALO ANG NANAY NI BOTONG, INUTUSAN SI BOTONG NA BUMILI NG YELO AT ASUKAL SA KABILANG BARANGAY.

Nakabili na ng yelo si Botong, pero hindi siya nakabili ng asukal, baka magalit ang nanay niya, mabigat kasi ang yelo kaya nagpasya siya na paki iwan sa barangay tanod ang yelo.

BOTONG: Sir tanod, maari po ba na paki iwanan ko itong yelo ko?
TANOD: Aba! O,o, isabit mo lang diyan at huwag kang mag-tagal.

Natagalan si Botong dahil malayo ang nilakad niya, at nabarkada pa, pagbalik.

BOTONG: Sino ang nag-nakaw ng yelo ko, at inihian pa, bastos.

A guy runs into a childhood pal.

“Hey, long time no see, what are you doing for yourself these days?”

“I’m a fireman.”

“Really!? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman.”

“Well, if you want some good advice, you’ve got to install a pole in your house so your kid can practice. The hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.”

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

“So, did your son become a fireman?”

“No, but I have two daughters who are Exotic Dancers!”

A man stood on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly forward.

The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn’t come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn’t drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other, “Look Pete, that’s the idiot who climbed into the car while we were pushing it.”

Three Doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, “I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized. ”

Doctor Fitzpatrick says, “I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.”

Doctor Ahn says, “I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable. ”