On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.”
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.
RULES OF THE AIRWAYS
Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
Everyone knows a ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. But a ‘great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.
The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
Was that a landing or were we shot down?
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
Trust your captain…. but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he’s flying, and about flying when he’s with a woman.
Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. “If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?”
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
Some fun things to do the next time you’re on one of those long international flights to kill time…
Pinch the stewardess’ butt as she passes.
When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.
When there’s any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.
Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.
Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.
Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.
Run down the aisle screaming, “He’s got a bomb! He’s got a bomb!”.
Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.
“Accidental” soda spill on the dork next to you.
Give someone a coin, saying “Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don’t”.
Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling “We’re out of toilet paper! Stewardess!”.
Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.
Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.
Start a hot dog stand.
Steal businessman’s laptop, play solitaire on it.
Remark that perhaps you shouldn’t have put super glue in your underpants that morning.
Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.
Show off your Batman underwear.
Switch accents and see if anyone notices.
Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm.
Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.
Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says “e”.
Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice “Why do they call it the COCKpit?” then snort as if it’s the funniest thing in the world.
Don’t use deodorant, then “accidentally” stick your armpit in someone’s face.
Sneeze, using somebody’s sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.
Snort when you laugh.
Tell corny jokes and laugh like it’s absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same.
Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling “Yeee-ha!”.
With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say “Never mind. Do you have any towels?”.
Jump up and scream “AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!”.
Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they’re Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best then the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)
If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.
Pretend you’re flying the plane.
Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang.
Take over the plane with a toy gun.
Yell to someone “Is it time to hijack the plane yet?” (Note: Do this when there are stewardess nearby).
To the person next to you, say “It’s amazing that they didn’t notice the grenade in my luggage.