Talk Funny Jokes

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him..
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, ?A hamburger, fries and a coke,? and turns to the
ostrich, ?What?s yours??
?I?ll have the same,? says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. ?That will be
$9.40 please,? and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ?A
hamburger, fries and a coke.?
The ostrich says, ?I?ll have the same.?
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ?The usual?? asks the
waitress.
?No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,? says the man.
?Same,? says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ?That will be $32.62.?
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
?Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change in your pocket every time??

?Well,? says the man, ?several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp.

When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.?
?That?s brilliant!? says the waitress. ?Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you?ll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!?
?That?s right. Whether it?s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,? says the man.
The waitress asks, ?What?s with the ostrich??

The man sighs, pauses and answers, ?My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.?

If you remember the Original Hollywood Square s and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ? Hollywood Squares? game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you?re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You?ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That?s what?s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he?s married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ?I Love You??
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are ?Do It,? ?I Can Help,? and ?I Can?t Get Enough??
A. George Gobel: I don?t know, but it?s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I?ll give you a gesture you?ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell?s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you?ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I?m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what?s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I?m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q . According to

Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Ly nde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn?t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head , what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I?ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least

two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

A man goes to a shrink and says, ?Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry?s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I?m going crazy.

What do you think I should do??

?Relax,? says the Doctor, ?take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry?s bar

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.’

The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, ‘I’d calm down if I were you.’

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said impatiently, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do
not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!’

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to
do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.’

‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a
burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly
at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green
head.

‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his
shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.’