A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home… I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife Julie, can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Get an ostensible free in every box!

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in something.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don?t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That?s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That?s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you?re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ?Thanks a lot? – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ?you?re welcome? – - – that will bring on a ?whatever?).

(8) Whatever: Is a women?s way of saying ?You?ll find out how I truly feel?!

(9) Don?t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ?What?s wrong?? For the woman?s response refer to # 3.

1st woman: â??It wasn?t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?â?

2nd woman: â??I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.â?

1st woman: â??So, what happened?â?

2nd woman: â??I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became soexhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.â?

A vegetarian leaks.

1st woman: â??Too bad you didn?t look in the freezer ? we?d both still be alive.â?

All the best to my father? hahaha what a laugh this guys has? must be in the yoga.

This is a classic SNL bit that I found for your entertainment. I have been in technical support, well project management my whole career and I have to say, they really hit this one well? I hope people don?t view me like Nick Burns hahaha. Your computer guy, Nick Burns brings it home with this old funny joke.

2. You say I?m a bitch like it?s a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren?t we a damn ray of sunshine!

5. Don?t bother me; I?m living happily every after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn?t an office?it?s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don?t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I?m not crazy. I?ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I?m not your type. I?m not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven?t gone to sleep yet!

16. Back off! Youâ??re standing in my aura.

17. Don?t worry?I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait?I?m trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder?my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that they style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I?m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn?t count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes?Do you see one ounce of ?gives-a-shit??

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Katie came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went straight to the water cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, ?Katie, I?ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.?

?I?d rather you jack off,? she replied. ?I really feel like shit this morning!?

He thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and he is certain that he is better educated than any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and to have some fun at the Texas deputy?s expense!!

Deputy says: ?License and Registration please.?

Lawyer says: ?What for??

Deputy says: ?You didn?t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.?

Lawyer says: ?I slowed down, and no one was coming.?

Deputy says: ?You still didn?t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.?

Lawyer says: ?What?s the difference??

Deputy says: ?The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that?s the law. License and registration please!?

Lawyer says: ?If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I?ll give you my license and registration; and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don?t give me the ticket.?

Deputy says: ?Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, please Sir.?

The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it and then says, ?Do you want me to stop, or just slow down??