When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.”

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.

RULES OF THE AIRWAYS

Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!

Everyone knows a ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. But a ‘great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain…. but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he’s flying, and about flying when he’s with a woman.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

Gravity SUCKS!!

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. “If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?”

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Some fun things to do the next time you’re on one of those long international flights to kill time…

Pinch the stewardess’ butt as she passes.

When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.

When there’s any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.

Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.

Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.

Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.

Run down the aisle screaming, “He’s got a bomb! He’s got a bomb!”.

Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.

“Accidental” soda spill on the dork next to you.

Give someone a coin, saying “Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don’t”.

Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling “We’re out of toilet paper! Stewardess!”.

Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.

Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.

Start a hot dog stand.

Steal businessman’s laptop, play solitaire on it.

Remark that perhaps you shouldn’t have put super glue in your underpants that morning.

Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.

Show off your Batman underwear.

Switch accents and see if anyone notices.

Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm.

Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.

Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says “e”.

Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice “Why do they call it the COCKpit?” then snort as if it’s the funniest thing in the world.

Don’t use deodorant, then “accidentally” stick your armpit in someone’s face.

Sneeze, using somebody’s sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.

Snort when you laugh.

Tell corny jokes and laugh like it’s absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same.

Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling “Yeee-ha!”.

With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say “Never mind. Do you have any towels?”.

Jump up and scream “AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!”.

Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they’re Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best then the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)

If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.

Pretend you’re flying the plane.

Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang.

Take over the plane with a toy gun.

Yell to someone “Is it time to hijack the plane yet?” (Note: Do this when there are stewardess nearby).

To the person next to you, say “It’s amazing that they didn’t notice the grenade in my luggage.

Q: What do you cal1 20 Flight Attendants in a basement?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What is the difference between a F/A and a jet engine?
A: The engine stops whining at the gate.

Q: Why does it take a F/A 5 minutes to open a carton of orange juice?
A: The carton says \\\”CONCENTRATE.\\\”

Q: What does a retired F/A do when she is nostalgic for her job?
A: She stands in front of the bathroom sink and eats.

Q: How do you get a F/A into your hotel room?
A: Make a sound like an ice machine.

Q: What\\\’s the difference between a good F/A and a bad F/A ?
A: The good F/A says, \\\”Morning, Captain\\\”, and the bad F/A says, \\\”It\\\’s morning Captain!\\\”

Q: What\\\’s the difference between an airbag and a windbag?
A: Seniority.

Q: Why did the pilot die shortly after retirement?
A: His wife didn\\\’t know to feed him every 2 hours.

Q: What does a captain use for birth control?
A: Personality.
Q: What if that doesn\\\’t work?
A: Layover clothes.

Q: Why was the Ohare employee cafeteria closed last week?
A: A captain rented it for his daughter\\\’s wedding reception.

Q: Why don\\\’t pilots vacation with their families?
A: It\\\’s too difficult to get the jumpseat.

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two pilots found a penny at the same time.

Q: What do you call a crew of pilots tipping the hotel van driver?
A: The March of dimes.

Q: What do pilots yell at football games?
A: \\\”Get the quarter back!\\\”

Q: How can you tell a pilot on a layover from a homeless person?
A: The homeless person is the one buying a newspaper.

Q: What\\\’s the difference between a pilot and God?
A: God doesn\\\’t think he\\\’s a pilot.

Q: What\\\’s the difference between Jeffery Dahmer and a pilot?
A: Dahmer didn\\\’t eat every leg.

Q: How do you get a pilot out of the cockpit?
A: Tell him a USA Today was left in First Class.

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70?s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her
dismay, she opened
the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheel chair. He had
no arms or legs.

?You?re not really asking me to consider you, are
you?? the widow said.
?Just look at you – you have no legs!?

The old gentleman smiled, ?Therefore, I cannot run
around on you!?
< BR ?You don?t have any arms either!? she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, ?Therefore, I can never
beat you!?

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ?A re you
still good in bed??

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,?
I rang the doorbell, didn?t I??

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday?

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

?What in bag?? asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ?It?s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband?.

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
?Good trade?..?

?It?s just too hot to wear clothes today,? Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ?honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this??
?Probably that I married you for your money,? she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I?ll beat him to death. AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ?Instruction Manual.

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, ?What are you thinking?? She doesn?t care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn?t want to watch the game, she doesn?t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it?s usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won?t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it?s like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They?ll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don?t ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it?s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, ?Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free??, here?s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it?s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
Expected ?knock? on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
Opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and
She prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door,
And it?s Roger. Again he is ready for more ?action?. Somewhat surprised,
Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger
Kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it – Roger is
Back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready
For more ?action?. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ?I am
Thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and
so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who
were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.?

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ?You mean I was
Here already??
The moral of the story: Don?t be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer?s
Has its advantages

a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.

These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, ?Will you marry me??

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. ?Yes, Yes, I will.?

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. ?Did she say ?yes? or did she say ?no???

He couldn?t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.

Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn?t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, ?When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ?Yes? or did you say ?No???

He was delighted to hear her say, ?Why, I said, ?Yes, yes I will? and I meant it with all my heart.?

Then she continued, ?And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn?t remember who had asked me.?

?No? the old man said. ?This just isn?t going to work.? he dejectedly explained. ?There?s no hope for me, I?ve worn out my left hand, I?ve worn out my right hand, I?ve run cold water over it, and I?ve run hot water over it. I?ve even thumped it on the edge of the sink. But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!?

?I know,? said the doctor, ?This morning, I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle.?

?I?ll be darned,? she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband. ?Hello? she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed, ?You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!?

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, ?Who?s calling please??