“You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.” Unknown Author

“The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”“ Unknown Author

“Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.” Joan Rivers

“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.” Unknown Author

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” Joan Crawford

“Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say!” Unknown Author

“If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?” Bette Midler

“I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands.” Dudley Moore

“You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.” Dolly Parton

“Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries.” Cher

“A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did.” Edgar Watson Howe

“An old man who marries a young wife grows younger – but she grows older.” Unknown Author

“A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.” Helen Rowland

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner

“There will be sex after death, we just won’t be able to feel it.” Lily Tomlin

“Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.” Dorothy Parker

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?” Unknown Author

“Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.” Mae West

“Women like me because I make them laugh. And what is an orgasm, except laughter of the loins?” Mickey Rooney

“A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it.” Don Fraser

The first student says, “The other day, this beautiful woman ran up to me with this bike, threw it on the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said ‘Take anything you want!’”

The first student says, “So I took the bike”.

The second student says, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit”

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was ?work? and how much of it was ?pleasure?? The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Lieutenant (N) said it was 50-50%. The Captain?s Aide, a Sub Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Lieutenant turned to the Leading Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young Leading Seaman responded, ?Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.?

The Lieutenant was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?!?

?Well, Sir,? began the Leading Seaman, ?if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.?

The room fell silent.

God Bless the Canadian Navy.

Who says you can?t potty train a man?

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

?Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. ?

Now, close your eyes and repeat to yourself, ?I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson?.

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!