Talk Funny Jokes

This is an actual letter sent to Proctor and Gamble from Wendi Aarons, Austin, TX, regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph?.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I?d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I?d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can?t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there?s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from ?the curse?? I?m guessing you haven?t. Well, my ?time of the month? is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I?ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ?an inbred hillbilly with knife skills?. Isn?t the human
body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you?ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers? monthly visits from ?Aunt Flo?. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it?s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend?s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey?s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants? which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:

?Have a Happy Period.?

Are you f______ kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you?re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything ?happy? about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Codeine and Ibuprofen and lock yourself in your house just so you don?t march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn?t it make more sense to say something that?s actually pertinent, like ?Put Down the Hammer? or ?Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong?, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull shit. And that?s a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Guys and Gals, this one is full on nasty, but begging to be watched. A twist on sex, murder and the typical CSI investigative talents.

I wonder how the set and character designers got their inspiration. Â

Post your comments below if you have any other similar hilarious vidâ??s, pics or jokes (or you can contact me by email at mrjokes@bornsilly.com)

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
?You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,? the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. ?The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and,? pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student?s litany and said, ?You?re right, son. We didn?t have those things when we were young??..so we invented them.

Now,you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation??

The applause was resounding?

Tower: ?Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o?clock , 6 miles!?
Delta 351: ?Give us another hint! We have digital watches!?

Tower: ?TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.? TWA 2341: ?Center, we are at 35,000 feet.

How much noise can we make up here?? Tower: ?Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727??

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: ?I?m f?ing bored!? Ground Traffic Control: ?Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!? Unknown aircraft: ?I said I was f?ing bored, not f?ing stupid!?

O?Hare Approach Control to a 747: ?United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o?clock , three miles, Eastbound.? United 329: ?Approach, I?ve always wanted to say this..I?ve got the little Fokker in sight.?

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, ?What was your last known position?? Student: ?When I was number one for takeoff.?

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: ?American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.?

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): ? Ground, what is our start clearance time?? Ground (in English): ?If you want an answer you must speak in English.? Lufthansa (in English): ?I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany Why must I speak English?? Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): ?Because you lost the bloody war!?

Tower: ?Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7? Eastern 702: ?Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.? Tower: ? Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?? BR Continental 635: ?Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern? we?ve already notified our caterers.?

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, ?What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?? The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: ?I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I?ll have enough parts for another one.

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one?s gate parking location, but how go get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: ? Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.? Ground: ?Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.? The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: ?Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?? Speedbird 206: ?Stand by, Ground, I?m looking up our gate location now.? ! Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): ?Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before??

Speedbird 206 (coolly):

?Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, ? And I didn?t land.?

While taxiing at London ?s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed

out at the US Air crew, screaming: ?US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it?s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!? Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: ?God! Now

you?ve screwed everything up! It?ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don?t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you

to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?? ?Yes, ma?am,? the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

?Wasn?t I married to you once??