Talk Funny Jokes

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.

He says ?Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me?.

His friend says ?Don?t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill?.

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

?You reek of alcohol and you?ve thrown up all over yourself, my God you?re disgusting? .

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, ?Wait. It?s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He?d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn?t hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket.?

She looks in his breast pocket and says, ?But this is forty dollars?.

?Ah, yes.? says the man. ?He peed in my trousers too?.

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser?s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: ?Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It?s crowded and dirty. You?re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there??

?We?re taking Continental,? was the reply. ?We got a great rate!?

?Continental?? exclaimed the hairdresser. â??Thatâ??s a terrible airlineâ?.

Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they?re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome??

?We?ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome?s Tiber River called Teste.?

?Don?t go any further I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it?s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they?re overpriced.? ?So, whatcha? doing when you get there??

?We?re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.?

?That?s rich,? laughed the hairdresser. ?You and a million other people trying to see him. He?ll look the size of an ant.? ?Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You?re going to need it.?

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

?It was wonderful,? explained the woman, ?not only were we on time in one of Continental?s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.?

â??And the hotel was great! They?d just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it?s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.

They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner?s suite at no extra charge!?

?Well,? muttered the hairdresser, ?that?s all well and good, but I know you didn?t get to see the Pope.?

?Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I?d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!

I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.?

?Oh, really! What?d he say?�

He said: ?Where?d you get that shitty Hairdo??

The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, ?I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn?t know if they could help him.?

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, ?Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim?s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.?

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim and the wire wrapping he has.

She continued, ?Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor?s say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.?

`All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, ?Good morning, I?m Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is – - – S-T-E-R-N-U-M.?

For all those men who say, â??Why buy a cow when you can get milk for freeâ?, here?s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it?s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders. You need One, but you?re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can?t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they?re coming, how many inches you?ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and His wife decide that they won?t tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, ?it?s what mommy calls me sometimes?.

The little girl screams to her brother, ?Don?t eat it, it?s an asshole?.