He says ?Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me?.

His friend says ?Don?t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill?.

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

?You reek of alcohol and you?ve thrown up all over yourself, my God you?re disgusting? .

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, ?Wait. It?s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He?d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn?t hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket.?

She looks in his breast pocket and says, ?But this is forty dollars?.

?Ah, yes.? says the man. ?He peed in my trousers too?.

A woman was at her hairdresser?s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: ?Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It?s crowded and dirty. You?re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there??

?We?re taking Continental,? was the reply. ?We got a great rate!?

?Continental?? exclaimed the hairdresser. â??Thatâ??s a terrible airlineâ?.

Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they?re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome??

?We?ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome?s Tiber River called Teste.?

?Don?t go any further I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it?s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they?re overpriced.? ?So, whatcha? doing when you get there??

?We?re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.?

?That?s rich,? laughed the hairdresser. ?You and a million other people trying to see him. He?ll look the size of an ant.? ?Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You?re going to need it.?

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

?It was wonderful,? explained the woman, ?not only were we on time in one of Continental?s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.?

â??And the hotel was great! They?d just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it?s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.

They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner?s suite at no extra charge!?

?Well,? muttered the hairdresser, ?that?s all well and good, but I know you didn?t get to see the Pope.?

?Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I?d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!

I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.?

?Oh, really! What?d he say?�

He said: ?Where?d you get that shitty Hairdo??

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, ?I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn?t know if they could help him.?

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, ?Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim?s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.?

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim and the wire wrapping he has.

She continued, ?Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor?s say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.?

`All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, ?Good morning, I?m Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is – - – S-T-E-R-N-U-M.?

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders. You need One, but you?re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can?t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they?re coming, how many inches you?ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Well, he said, ?it?s what mommy calls me sometimes?.

The little girl screams to her brother, ?Don?t eat it, it?s an asshole?.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. ?Nurse?, he mumbles almost incoherently, from behind the mask. ?Are my testicles black??

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ?I don?t know, Sir. I?m only here to wash your upper body and feet.? He struggles to ask again, ?Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black??

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There?s nothing wrong with them, Sir!?

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

?Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely??.

A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k ?

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, ?I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn?t know if they could help him.?

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, ?Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim?s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.?

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim and the wire wrapping he has.

She continued, ?Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor?s say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.?

`All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, ?Good morning, I?m Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is – - – S-T-E-R-N-U-M.?

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was ?work? and how much of it was ?pleasure?? The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Lieutenant (N) said it was 50-50%. The Captain?s Aide, a Sub Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Lieutenant turned to the Leading Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young Leading Seaman responded, ?Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.?

The Lieutenant was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?!?

?Well, Sir,? began the Leading Seaman, ?if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.?

The room fell silent.

God Bless the Canadian Navy.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, ?Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. ?

These two are so old and drunk; Iâ??m not wasting two of my girls on them. They wonâ??t know the difference.?

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, ?You know, I think my girl was dead!?

?Dead?? says his friend, ?Why do you say that??

?Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.?

His friend says, ?Could be worse; I think mine was a witch.?

?Witch, why the hell would you say that??

?Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out of the window.?

?Right after the National Anthem.?