Talk Funny Jokes

Schooling
(phone rings)…..Hello? Who SCHOOLING? (Who’s Calling)
Affect
Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring. (A Fake)
Adieu
If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you. (A Jew)
Decanter
You can order that medicine over DECANTER. (The Counter)
Deletion
The balat of DELETION is crispy. (The Lechon)
Despise
Who baked all DESPISE? (These Pies)
Different and Differential
I am looking for DIFFERENT of this boy to get DIFFERENTIAL consent so he can go to the picnic. (The Parent and The Parental)
Chicken Not Bread
If I put a bag over my wife’s head then Chee kennot bread!” (She Cannot Breathe)
Persuading
The newly married couple will celebrate their PERSUADING anniversary next year. (First Wedding)
Deposit
When washing my hands, I always turn on DEPOSIT. (The Faucet)
Deficit
Before going into the pool, I always check how DEFICIT. (Deep Is It)
Protestant
I always get my apples and saging at the PROTESTANT. (Fruit Stand)
Devastation
I wait for the bus at devastation. (The Bus Station)
Analyze and Anatomy
My ANALYZE over the ocean, so bring back my ANATOMY. (Ana Lies and Ana To Me)
Masturbation
Many 3rd world countries are suffering from MASTURBATION. (Mass Starvation)
Tenacious
Before playing tennis I have to put on my TENACIOUS. (Tennis Shoes)
Deduct, Defense, Defeat andDetail
DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE. DEFEAT first, DETAIL last. (The duck, the fence, the feet and the tail)
Associate
I looked in the toilet and ASSOCIATE. (I saw shit)
Dinuguan
I tried turning on the TV, but it DINUGUAN. (Did Not Go On)
Penis
Before you play outside, PENIS your homework. (Finish)
Uno, Dos, Tres
UNO! DOS TRES are on fire!(Oh no! Those trees)
Cadet
CADET ko si Maria noong isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang CADET niya. (Ka-date)
Mention
Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang MENTION. (Mansion)
Borrow
Ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo. (Baro)
Caesarean
Lintek,anak, mag-ingat ka, CAESAREAN mo iyang laruan mo. (Sisirain)
Contemplate
Pare, ang dami-daming pagkain, pero CONTEMPLATE. (Konti ang plate)
Artesia (A city in California)
Nako naman, ang ganda-ganda ng bebot na ‘yon, per, ma-ARTESIA. (arte siya)
Cardiac
Na-CARDIAC ‘yong kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi. (Carjack)
Centurion
Na-CENTURION si Pedro ng tatay niya dahil sa kalokohan niya. (Sinturon)
Dedicate
‘pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong DEDICATE iyan. (Didikit)
Delicacy
Bagal mo…DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo. (Dali Kasi)
Depreciate
Sister, DEPRECIATE already, kaya puede na tayong kumain. (The priest ate)
Diffusion
Brownout….siguradong DIFFUSION pumutok. (The fuse ‘yon)
Laity
Tag-LAITY si Imelda Marcos. (Leyte)

Before Marriage …. ..

Boy : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

Girl : Do you want me to leave?

Boy : NO! Don’t even think about it.

Girl : Do you love me?

Boy : Of course! Over and over!

Girl : Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy : NO! Why are you even asking?

Girl : Will you kiss me?

Boy : Every chance I get!

Girl : Will you hit me?

Boy : Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!

Girl : Can I trust you?

Boy : Yes.

Girl : Darling!

After Marriage …… SIMPLY READ FROM BOTTOM TO TOP

Best Pick-up lines
1. Minamalat na naman ang puso ko..
*** paano kasi, laging sinisigaw ang pangalan mo..

2. Ikaw ba may-ari ng Crayola??
*** ikaw kasi nagbibigay ng kulay sa buhay ko..

3. Uy papicture tayo!!
*** para ma-develop tayo!!

4. Kung ikaw ay bola at ako ang player, mashushoot ba kita??
*** hinde, para lagi kita mamimiss..

5. Can i take your picture??
*** coz i want to show Santa exactly what i want for Christmas!!

6. Exam ka ba??
*** gustong gusto na kasi kitang i-take home eh!!

7. Lecture mo ba ako??
*** lab kasi kita..

8. Centrum ka ba??
*** kasi you make my life complete!!

9. Miss pwede ba kita maging driver??
*** para ikaw na magpapatakbo ng buhay ko..

10. Mahilig ka ba sa asukal??
*** ang tamis kasi ng mga ngiti mo..

11. Pinaglihi ka ba sa keyboard??
*** kasi type kita..

12. I hate to say this but… You are like my underwear..
*** coz i can’t last a day without you!!

13. Ibibili kita ng salbabida..
*** kasi malulunod ka sa pagmamahal ko..

14. Pwede ba kitang maging sidecar??
*** single kasi ako eh..

15.Me lisensya ka ba??
*** coz you’re driving me crazy eh..

16. May kilala ka bang gumagawa ng relo??
*** may sira ata relo ko.. pag ikaw kasi kasama ko, humihinto ang oras ko..

17. Grabe nakakatawa yung mga pick-up lines noh?? hahaha! May alam ka pa bang iba?? Wala na akong maisip eh..
*** coz all i ever think of is you..

18. I’m a bee..
*** can you be my honey??

19. Nakakatakot diba ang multo??
*** pero mas nakakatakot kapag nawala ka sa buhay ko..

20. Am i a bad shooter??
*** coz i keep on missing you..

22. Naniniwala ka ba sa love at first sight??
*** Oh gusto mong dumaan ulit ako??

23. Mabilis ka siguro sa mga puzzle noh??
*** kasi kakasimula pa lang ng araw ko, pero nabuo mo na agad..

24. Excuse me.. Are you a dictionary??
*** because you give meaning to my life..

25. Bangin ka ba??
*** nahuhulog kasi ako sa’yo..

26. Pustiso ka ba??
*** kasi, can’t smile without you..

27. Pagod na pagod ka na noh??
*** maghapon kana kasing tumatakbo sa isipan ko eh..

28. Me butas ba puso mo??
*** kasi natrap na ako sa loob, can’t find my way out!!

29. Anung height mo??
*** ha?? pano ka nagkasya sa loob ng puso ko..

30. Hey, did you fart??
*** coz you blew me away!!

31. Sana “T” na lang ako..
*** para i’m always right next to “U”

32. Are you Jamaican??
*** kasi Ja-maican me crazy!!

33. Nde tayo tao.. Nde tayo hayop.

***BAGAY tayo. BAGAY tlga tayo.

34. Ako ay isang exam..

***kaya sagutin mo na ako…

35. Favorite Subject mo ba geometry
***kasi kahit saang angle ka tignan ang ganda mo eh!

36. Apoy ka ba?
***kasi a-lab u

37. Piling ko magiging pulis ako

***kasi ikaw ang aking magiging most wanted

36. Mais ka ba?
***korni mo kasi

 

Sen.Lito Lapid: Pare, ano ba ang kaibahan ng H2O as CO2?
Sen.Jinggoy: Diyos ko naman! Di MO ba alam ‘yun?! Ang H2O ay water! At ang CO2…. Cold water.

***********

Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan as langit. Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang sabihin kung may basketbol as langit.

Naunang namatay is Dado.

Isang gabi, may narinig na boses is Rodel na parang Kay Dado. ‘Ikaw ba ‘yan, Dado?’ usisa in Rodel.

‘Oo naman!’ tugon in Dado. ‘Parang hindi totoo!’ bulalas in Rodel.

‘O, ano, meron bang basketbol sa langit?’

Sagot in Dado, ‘May maganda at masama akong balita sa ‘yo. Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama… Kasali ka as makakalaban namin bukas!’ (ngek!)

***********

Usapan ng dalawang Bata….

Junjun: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam MO , ‘yang Pacific Ocean , siya ang humukay nun!

Pedrito: Wala ‘yan as tatay ko! Alam MO , yung Dead Sea?

Junjun: Oo…

Pedrito: Siya ang pumatay nun!

***********

Stewardess: Do you want a drink, sir?

Sir: What are my choices?

Stewardess: Yes or No

***********

Misis: Hindi ko na kaya ‘to! Araw-araw nalang tayong nag-aaway mabuti pa, umalis na ako as bahay na ‘to!

Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito, away roon, mabuti pa siguro, sumama na ako sa ‘yo!

***********

Sa isang classroom… .

Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?

Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks.

Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.

***********

Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.

Pedro: Baligtad yata?

Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!

***********

Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong is ma’am kung ano raw ang propesyon MO.

Itay: Sabihin MO , cardiologist.

Anak: Ano Po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?

Itay: ‘Yung taga-ayos ng radio sa car!

***********

Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka?

Harry: Nagtampo sa ‘kin ang utol ko.

Rodrigo: Bakit naman?

Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.

Rodrigo: ‘Yun lang? Anong masama ru’n?

Harry: Ang masama ru’n… Twins kami! Twins

***********

Bobo: pare hulaan MO ugali ko, nagsisimula ng letter A

Pare: approachable?

Bobo: Mali

Pare: amiable

Bobo: Mali pa rin

Pare: o sige, sirit na nga

Bobo: Anest

***********

Policeman arresting a prostitute

Prosti: I am not selling sex

Police: Then what are you doing?

Prosti: I’m a saleswoman selling condoms with free demo.

***********

Bush: What are the pollutants in your country?

Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants.. ..we have sisig, kilawin, chicharon, mani
Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka, Boy Bawang (cornik).

***********

Tindero: Hoy, bili ka gatas ng baka. P10 piso lang isang baso
Manong: Ang mahal naman, may tig piso lang ba nyan?

Tindero: Meron Po, pero kayo na Po ang dumede as baka.

***********

Pasyente: Dok, bakit Po ganito ang operasyon sa ulo ko? Halos Kita na utak ko
Doctor: Ok lang yan, yan ang tinatawag na open minded.

***********

A naked girl takes a taxi

Naked Girl: ‘Bakit ka nakatitig as katawan ko, ngayon ka lang ba nakakita ng hubad?’

Driver: ‘Hindi Po miss, iniisip ko lang kung saan nakatago pamasahe MO

***********

Beauty contest
Emcee: What’s the big problem facing the country today?

Contestant: Drugs
Emcee: Very good, why do you say that?

Contestant: Ang mahal kasi he!

***********

Amo: Bakit ka umiiyak?

Katulong: Sabi po in dok tatanggalan po ako ng butlig

Amo: Butlig lang iiyak ka na…

Katulong: Kasi ok lang kung right lig or left lig lang o… Pero bakit naman butligs pa…..

***********

Doc: Ano trabaho MO hija?

Girl: Substitute Po

Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute?

Girl: Hindi Po, mama ko Po ang prostitute at kung may sakit siya ako o yung substitute.. ..

***********

Doc: For your health take only a cup of rice, lean meat and a saucer of kangkong. Fruits for dessert and lots of juice….

Fat guy: Doc, shall I take them before or after meals?

***********

Kodigo
Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .

Guro: Ano ‘to?

Estudyante: Prayer ko Po , ma’am!

Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?!! !

Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!

***********

SIOPAO

Kulas: Miss, isa ngang siopao… ‘yung babae

Waitress: Babaeng siopao?

Kulas: Oo. ‘Yung may papel na sapin. Kumbaga, napkin.

Waitress: Ahh, ganun po ba? Lalaki po ang nandito

Kulas: Lalaki?

Waitress: Kasi po, may itlog sa loob.(o, loko!)

***********

Usapan ng dalawang mayabang…

Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.

Diego: Alam ko.

Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?

Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko

***********

Josh: Kumusta ang assignment?

Ricardo: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.

Josh: Naku, ako rin! Paano ‘yan? Baka isipin nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!

***********

Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!

Juvy: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?

Toto: Hindi! ‘Yan din ang pangarap niya!

***********

Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.
Juan: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
Juan: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru’n?
Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!

Due to mounting public critism last April, the Comelec secretly held a special qualificatory exam for showbiz candidate to see if they were intelligent enough to run for public office. Each candidate got a piece of paper from an empty ballot box which contained different kinds of questions. The following is the actual declassified transcript:

Commissioner: What is the difference between lightning and electricity?

Bong: Lightning is free but electricity is not.

C: How many sides does a circle have?

Rey: Two, THe inside and the outside

C: What is a planet?

Lou: A planet is a body of Earth surrounded by sky.

C: What is Uranus
George: Sir, do we have to describe that

C: How can you tell when you’re breathing and not breathing?
Edu: When you breath, you inspire, When you don’t breath, you expire.

C: What does the word ‘germinate’ mean
Nora: When you become a German citizen

C: What is the difference between H20 and C20?
Dingdon:g Easy lang, H20 means hot water and C20 means cold water.

C: What does momentum mean?
Vilma: That’s what you give a person when they are going away

C: Where can you find finland?
Anjo: Inside an original Nokia cellphone

C: What is the capital of the United States?
Herbert: There are two, capital letter ‘U’ and ‘S’

C: What is water composed of?
Philip: It’s composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin, Oxygin, sir is pure gin, while hydrogin , is gin and water naman

C: what is dew?
Lander: Dew is what you see on leavces when the sun shines down on them and they start to make pawis.

C: What is respiration?
Rudy: It;s composed of inspiration , then expectoration

C: What is the longest word in the dictionary?
Isko: Elastic sir, because you can stretch it very long.

C: How do you save a drowning victim
Joey: You climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration

C: Where can you find Guatemala?
Lito: In the botany book . It’s aother kind of gumamela

C: What is Iraq?
Mikey: A kind of stone , sir.