Talk Funny Jokes

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

?What?s the matter, dear?? she whispers as she steps into the room, ?Why are you down here at this time of night??

The husband looks up from his coffee, ?Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?? he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. ?Yes I do,? she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. ?Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love??

?Yes, I remember,? said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husban d continued. ?Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ?Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years??

?I remember that too? she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said???I would have gotten out today.?

How ill you represent our planet in the Miss Galazy pageant?
How does the swimsuit portion in our pageant contribute to world peace?
If you were to become a butt, what butt would you choose, the right butt or the left butt?
Why is there a hole in donut
Why do you think the hosts always say “ladies, you are all winners” during beauty pageants.
As part of her official duties, we will be sending the new Miss Universe to Iraq,Afghanistan,North Korea and the Gaza strip to promote world peace. Tell us how you plan to do it if you win
If you were an illegal drug, what would you be and why
What do you think is the most worn-out expression used in this pageant and why?
WHy do you think Miss USA is always included in the semi-finalist and finalist portion year after year?
How would you feel if your best contestant friend in the pageant was formerly a man who underwent a sex-change operation
Which of the judges do you think doesn’t like you?
What do you think is the most stupid question given to Miss Universe contestants and why
Aside from you face, what is your problem
What do yout think is prettier, phlegm or pus
If you will be given a chance, what would be that chance and why
Why do you think the world is round
If you were a prostitute, how should you charge and why
If you were going to represent other country, what would be that country be and why

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and His wife decide that they won?t tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, ?it?s what mommy calls me sometimes?.

The little girl screams to her brother, ?Don?t eat it, it?s an asshole?.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar.

The bartender walks over to them and says, ?What can I get for you??

The man says, ?Iâ??ll have a beer?, the ostrich says, ?Iâ??ll have a beer?, and the cat says, ?Iâ??ll have half a beer and Iâ??m not buying.? So the bartender says, ?OK, that will be $3.87.?

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, ?Whatâ??ll you guys have??

The man says, ?Iâ??ll have a beer?, the ostrich says, ?Iâ??ll have a beer?, and the cat says ?Iâ??ll have half a beer and Iâ??m not buying.? The bartender gets them their beer and says ?Thatâ??ll be $3.87.?

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks, ?What do you guys want today??

The man says, ?Iâ??ll have a scotch?, the ostrich says, ?Iâ??ll have a bourbon?, and the cat says, ?Iâ??ll have half a beer and Iâ??m not buying.? So the bartender says ?OK, that will be $7.53.? The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartenderâ??s curiosity got the best of him and he asks, ?Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket??

The man said, ?I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy.?

The bartender says, ?Thatâ??s a great wish?better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes??

The man says, ?Thatâ??s where I screwed up.

I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.?