Talk Funny Jokes

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.

2. You say I?m a bitch like it?s a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren?t we a damn ray of sunshine!

5. Don?t bother me; I?m living happily every after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn?t an office?it?s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don?t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I?m not crazy. I?ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I?m not your type. I?m not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven?t gone to sleep yet!

16. Back off! Youâ??re standing in my aura.

17. Don?t worry?I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait?I?m trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder?my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that they style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I?m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn?t count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes?Do you see one ounce of ?gives-a-shit??

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

?Mom,? he asked, ?are these my brains??

?Not yet,? replied his mother.

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!!

The other night I was invited out for a night with ?the girls.? I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ?I promise!?

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall stared up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed?.3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos? (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him ?Midnight.?

He didn?t seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, ?I think we need a new cuckoo clock.?

When I asked him why?, he said, ?Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, ?Oh shit!?, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it?s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.?

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn?t afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said ?We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married?.

So they got married and all three daughters then said ?I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it?. The parents couldn?t afford it either so they decided they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and decided to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and decided to ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter ?Why were you screaming?� And the daughter replied ?Well mother you told me to scream when something hurt.?

Then the mother said to the second daughter ?Why were you laughing last night?? and the daughter replied ?Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled?.

Then the mother said to the last daughter ?Why didn?t I hear anything coming from your room last night?? and the daughter replied ?Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full?.

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, ?However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven?.

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, ?I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her?. So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, ?I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her.? He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, ?I cheated on my wife a lot?. He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, ?Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!? and the man sobbed, ?My wife just went by on roller skates?.