The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. ?Can you tackle?? asked the coach. ?Watch this,? said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. ?Wow,? said the coach.
?I?m impressed. Can you run??
?Of course I can run,? said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash. ?Great!? enthused the coach. ?But can you pass a football?? The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.
?Well, sir,? he said, ?if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.?
?Hello, is this the Sheriff?s Office??
?Yes. What can I do for you??
?I?m calling to report ?bout my neighbor Virgil Smith?.He?s hidin? marijuana inside his firewood! Don?t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he?s hidin? it there.?
?Thank you very much for the call, sir.?
The next day, the Sheriff?s Deputies descend on Virgil?s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil?s house.
?Hey, Virgil! This here?s Floyd?.Did the Sheriff come??
?Did they chop your firewood??
?Happy Birthday, buddy!?
Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, ?Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine?.? His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ?What are you doing?? The little boy answered, ?I?m doing my math homework, Mom.? ?And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?? the mother asked. ?Yes,? he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, ?What are you teaching my son in math?? The teacher replied, ?Right now, we are learning addition.? The mother asked, ?And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?? After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, ?What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.?
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him ?How do you expect to get into Heaven?? The boy thought it over and said, ?Well, I?ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ?For Heaven?s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!??