Q. If you?re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You?ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That?s what?s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he?s married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ?I Love You??
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are ?Do It,? ?I Can Help,? and ?I Can?t Get Enough??
A. George Gobel: I don?t know, but it?s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I?ll give you a gesture you?ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell?s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you?ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I?m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what?s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I?m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q . According to

Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Ly nde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn?t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head , what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I?ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least

two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

============================

Three drunk persons were laying on a railroad. One of them says:
-Jesus Christ that’s a fucking high building with a lot of stairs…

the second one:
-yeah and it has some cold steel bars

third one:
-shut the fuck up… I can hear the elevator coming!

=================================

Two drunk persons (they were in a room) invent a new game…
One of them has to get out of the room and the other one has to guess which of them went out.

====================================
Two persons in a bar…
one of them:
- how many we take? two or three?
the other one:
-get two ’cause yesterday we got three and one was left over

The first one orders:
-OK, we’d like 5 beers and 2 chocolate candies!

=======================================

one man goes out to get ciggaretes. However the only place he could find them was the nearby bar. So he enters, gets couple of beers and meets a beautiful blonde… as usuall, they “match together” and everything finishes in the blonde’s appartment. Next morning the guy wakes up and tells to the blonde:
-Oh fuck! my wife will kill me! please give me some white powder that you use for make-up !!!
….

he gets home.. the wife very upset…
he starts telling the story:
-look I will tell you the truth.. I went to the bar, met a nice blonde and went to her place. Look I have proof the white powder on my hands…

the wife:
-you fucking bastard liar!!! you went the bowling again, didn’t you???

=================================
one drunk person pissing in the middle of the road…
one lady goes by and says:
-uhhh so ugly and unpolite!

the drunk person:
-yeah… but what about the length?

====================================

two drunk persons get out of the bar at 4:00 AM…

-John, look on the sky.. I see 3 Moons!!!
_Peter, come on.. there are only 2 Moons in the sky and I see them clearly!
-No john there are 3!! look I see them!

they walk a while and meet a policemen…
-hey sir, we have a little debate.. he says he sees 2 moons but I see 3… How many are there?

The policemen… a little bit confused, looks on the sky and says:

- On which row ?

=====================================
One kid tells to his mother
-Mommy mommy there are two persons in the hall singing!

Mother:
-Ok, give them $5 and tell them to leave and not to disturbe us again…

The kid:
-Ok, I will do this but I do not know if they’ll go away… because one of them is daddy!

========================================

One man gets a new SUV with the writing 4X4 on it. The latest model. During the night a drunk person sees it and scratches on the SUV “=16″.
Second day the owner of the car is shocked. He goes to the manufacturer and says:”man please erase and write 4X4=16 such that it would appeared it was manufactured this way and drunk persons wouldn’t do this anymore”….
Another night and the drunk persons sees the inscriptions.. scratches his head and writes with paint on the car : “CORRECT”

==================================

There’s this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, “What do you think you’re doing?” The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbor.”

===============================

Drunk at a bar pukes on hisself and starts worrying what he’ll tell his wife. Neighbor at the bar says: “Put a $5 bill in your pocket. Tell your wife a stranger at the bar puked on you and gave you the money to have the shirt cleaned.”
“Ok” says the drunk.
Well, then the drunk stays at the bar for a while and starts playing pool and stuff. First he meets a hot blonde with large teats and then he goes into a bathroom stall with a monkey wearing a skirt. He comes out of the bathroom and says to the bartender [something inaudible].
So then he goes over and to put some money in the juke box but the hot blonde is sitting on the juke box with a skirt and no panties and her legs spread open and her “slot” showing. So the drunk at first can’t figure out which slot to put the money in.
So he returns to the bar and says to his bar neighbor “think you can help me with this problem?”
So the neighbor says “yes” and they walk back over to the juke box. The bartender is scratching his head and turns and says something to the other bartender.
And then it’s like 2 hours later and the bar is fixing to close. And the drunk guy with the puke on his shirt puts his hand in his pocket and starts “rummaging” around. The hot blonde comes over and lifts her skirt right in front of him and starts gyrating her hips.
So the next day, the drunk guy decides he’s going to go buy a new car. He puts his clothes on and leaves the house, but forgets to put on his hat.
He gets to the car dealership and picks out a new car and signs the loan papers and drives the new car home. He goes into the house and before his wife can say anything he falls asleep on the couch.

===============================
A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, “Whoa, I don’t remember eating that!”

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Funny Jokes & Amusing Stories: Pinoy Joke: Tagalog Dictionary #1