Talk Funny Jokes

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
?You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,? the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. ?The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and,? pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student?s litany and said, ?You?re right, son. We didn?t have those things when we were young??..so we invented them.

Now,you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation??

The applause was resounding?

Tower: ?Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o?clock , 6 miles!?
Delta 351: ?Give us another hint! We have digital watches!?

Tower: ?TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.? TWA 2341: ?Center, we are at 35,000 feet.

How much noise can we make up here?? Tower: ?Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727??

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: ?I?m f?ing bored!? Ground Traffic Control: ?Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!? Unknown aircraft: ?I said I was f?ing bored, not f?ing stupid!?

O?Hare Approach Control to a 747: ?United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o?clock , three miles, Eastbound.? United 329: ?Approach, I?ve always wanted to say this..I?ve got the little Fokker in sight.?

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, ?What was your last known position?? Student: ?When I was number one for takeoff.?

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: ?American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.?

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): ? Ground, what is our start clearance time?? Ground (in English): ?If you want an answer you must speak in English.? Lufthansa (in English): ?I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany Why must I speak English?? Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): ?Because you lost the bloody war!?

Tower: ?Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7? Eastern 702: ?Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.? Tower: ? Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?? BR Continental 635: ?Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern? we?ve already notified our caterers.?

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, ?What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?? The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: ?I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I?ll have enough parts for another one.

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one?s gate parking location, but how go get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: ? Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.? Ground: ?Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.? The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: ?Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?? Speedbird 206: ?Stand by, Ground, I?m looking up our gate location now.? ! Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): ?Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before??

Speedbird 206 (coolly):

?Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, ? And I didn?t land.?

While taxiing at London ?s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed

out at the US Air crew, screaming: ?US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it?s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!? Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: ?God! Now

you?ve screwed everything up! It?ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don?t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you

to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?? ?Yes, ma?am,? the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

?Wasn?t I married to you once??

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8 ? You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 ? You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 ? You don?t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 ? She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 ? She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 ? You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 ? If you take her to bed, that?ll be a story!

At 78 ? What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pick up truck on I-40 and says to the driver, ?Got any ID?? The driver says, ??Bout what?? ****** Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, ?Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th? bag?? ?Jes? some chickens.? ?If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?? ?Shoot, if ya guesses right, I?ll give you both of ?em!? ?OK. Ummmmm?five?? ****** An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, ?Hurry over here- muh house is on fahr!? ?OK,? replied the fireman, ?how do we get there?? ?Shucks, don?t you fellers still have those big red trucks?? ****** Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more? Because they heard 17 and under aren?t admitted. ***** Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. ?Where do you live?? asked the operator. Bubba replied, ?At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.? The operator asked, ?Can you spell that for me?? After a long pause, Bubba said, ?How ?bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?? **** Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools. ****** What do they call reruns of ?Hee Haw? in Mississippi? Documentaries ****** Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush. ****** Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. ******* A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they?re still brother and sister. ****** What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? No matter what, somebody?s fixin? to lose a trailer. ****** How do you know when you?re staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say ?I?ve got a leak in my sink,? and the person at the front desk says, ?Go ahead.? ***** I hope you enjoyed this redneck humor as much as I did. Remember, nurture your inner adolescent, daily. That will keep you young however obnoxious you may grow.

(Please read aloud for maximum effect.) If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted ?cause the index doesn?t hash, then your situation?s hopeless and your system?s gonna crash. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that?s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot it and go out with a bang, ?cause as sure as I?m a poet, your system?s gonna hang. When the copy of your floppy?s getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, when you have to flash your memory and try to RAM your ROM, quickly turn off the computer and be sure to call your Mom!!