A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent out to install telephone poles for the Telephone Company. After the first day, the brunette team had installed 30 poles, the redhead team had installed 37 poles, and the blonde team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the blonde team and demanded to know why they had done so few.
?Hey, we saw what the other teams were doing. Theirs were still sticking out of the ground.?
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl?s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, ?Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave??
?Of course not, dear,? replied the mother, ?Why would you think that??
?The tombstone back there said?
?Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.??
A defence attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -
it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station – a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town?s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
?Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn?t you like to give back to the community in some way??
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, ?First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income??
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, ?Um ? no.?
The lawyer interrupts, ?or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair??
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. ?or that my sister?s husband died in a traffic accident,? the lawyer?s voice rising in indignation, ?leaving her penniless with three children?!?
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, ?I had no idea??
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, ?So if I don?t give any money to them, why should I give any to you??
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. ?Nurse?, he mumbles almost incoherently, from behind the mask. ?Are my testicles black??
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ?I don?t know, Sir. I?m only here to wash your upper body and feet.? He struggles to ask again, ?Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black??
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There?s nothing wrong with them, Sir!?
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
?Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely??.
A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k ?