Talk Funny Jokes

A pub landlord is casually pulling a pint when a tramp/hobbo walks in and asks for a toothpick, so the landlord giuves him one.
A few minutes later, another tramp walks in and asks for a toothpick so the landlord gives him one.
A few minutes after this, another tramp walks in and asks for a toothpick so the landlord obliges and gives him one but is growing suspicious.
Multiple occasions this happens until another tamps walks in and asks for a straw. At this point, the landlord asks ‘what do you want a straw for??’
The tramp replies ‘someone’s been sick outside and all of the lumps have been taken’

1) president bush walks into a restaurant with his cabinet to order dinner and the waiter asks, “would you like the roast beef special?” and the president says, “yes”, and then the waiter asks, “and what about the vegetables?”, and the president replies, “oh, they’ll have the same”

2) the president is in the basement of the white house and having a breakdown so he asks fdr’s ghost, “fdr, i am in deep trouble with my cabinet and they make me look bad, what can i do?”…so fdr says “you can either fire them or paint the white house blue”…and bush says, “so then i will paint the white house blue”…and fdr shoots back, “i knew you would take the easy way out”

3) a five year old girl decides she needs some money so she goes next door and helps out the construction crew working on the neighbor’s house for a week…at the end of the week, she has two dollars and the mom decides the girl should open up a savings account…while in the bank, the teller asks the little girl if she will be paid next week also…the little girl says, “maybe, if those a-holes deliver the fu***** sheetrock”

a man is at work and calls his wife and a strange voice answers.

“hello?” says the strange voice

“who is this” says the man

“this is the maid” says the strange voice

“i dont have a maid” says the man

“i was hired today by your wife” says the maid

“let me talk to her” says the man

“shes in bed with a man who seems to be her boy friend” says the maid

the man thinks about this for awhile and finally answers

“get my gun in the closet and kill both of them, if you do it i’ll give you 10,000 dollars”

the man then hears footsteps and two gunshots

“where should i put the bodies?” says the maid

“put them in the swimming pool” says the man

“you dont have a swimming pool” says the maid

“is this 831-9532?” says the man

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”

Grandpa is in the hospital and Grandma and Granddaughter go to pay him a visit.

Granddaughter excitedly runs ahead, into the room, and jumps up on the hospital bed.

“Grandpa!” she says, and then comes closer to whisper conspiratorially to him, “can you make a frog call when Grandma gets here?”

He smiles, “I guess. Why, though?”

“Cos Grandma says that when you croak we’re going to Disneyland!”