2) the president is in the basement of the white house and having a breakdown so he asks fdr’s ghost, “fdr, i am in deep trouble with my cabinet and they make me look bad, what can i do?”…so fdr says “you can either fire them or paint the white house blue”…and bush says, “so then i will paint the white house blue”…and fdr shoots back, “i knew you would take the easy way out”

3) a five year old girl decides she needs some money so she goes next door and helps out the construction crew working on the neighbor’s house for a week…at the end of the week, she has two dollars and the mom decides the girl should open up a savings account…while in the bank, the teller asks the little girl if she will be paid next week also…the little girl says, “maybe, if those a-holes deliver the fu***** sheetrock”

“hello?” says the strange voice

“who is this” says the man

“this is the maid” says the strange voice

“i dont have a maid” says the man

“i was hired today by your wife” says the maid

“let me talk to her” says the man

“shes in bed with a man who seems to be her boy friend” says the maid

the man thinks about this for awhile and finally answers

“get my gun in the closet and kill both of them, if you do it i’ll give you 10,000 dollars”

the man then hears footsteps and two gunshots

“where should i put the bodies?” says the maid

“put them in the swimming pool” says the man

“you dont have a swimming pool” says the maid

“is this 831-9532?” says the man

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”

Granddaughter excitedly runs ahead, into the room, and jumps up on the hospital bed.

“Grandpa!” she says, and then comes closer to whisper conspiratorially to him, “can you make a frog call when Grandma gets here?”

He smiles, “I guess. Why, though?”

“Cos Grandma says that when you croak we’re going to Disneyland!”

Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was ?work? and how much of it was ?pleasure?? The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Lieutenant (N) said it was 50-50%. The Captain?s Aide, a Sub Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Lieutenant turned to the Leading Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young Leading Seaman responded, ?Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.?

The Lieutenant was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?!?

?Well, Sir,? began the Leading Seaman, ?if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.?

The room fell silent.

God Bless the Canadian Navy.

Who says you can?t potty train a man?

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

?Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. ?

Now, close your eyes and repeat to yourself, ?I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson?.

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!

They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.

The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.

He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.

The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.

Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.

After a few moments, he announced, ?Youâ??ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!?

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.

After feeling about the snakeâ??s body for a few minutes, he asserted,

?Well, youâ??re scaly, youâ??re slimy, youâ??ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and youâ??ve got a forked tongue.

I think youâ??re a lawyer!?