“You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.” Unknown Author

“The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”“ Unknown Author

“Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.” Joan Rivers

“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.” Unknown Author

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” Joan Crawford

“Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say!” Unknown Author

“If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?” Bette Midler

“I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands.” Dudley Moore

“You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.” Dolly Parton

“Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries.” Cher

“A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did.” Edgar Watson Howe

“An old man who marries a young wife grows younger – but she grows older.” Unknown Author

“It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced.” Unknown Author

“If you do kiss a politician, remember this: You are not only kissing him, you are kissing every butt that he has kissed in the last eight years.” Jay Leno

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Get an ostensible free in every box!

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in something.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don?t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That?s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That?s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you?re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ?Thanks a lot? – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ?you?re welcome? – - – that will bring on a ?whatever?).

(8) Whatever: Is a women?s way of saying ?You?ll find out how I truly feel?!

(9) Don?t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ?What?s wrong?? For the woman?s response refer to # 3.

1st woman: â??It wasn?t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?â?

2nd woman: â??I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.â?

1st woman: â??So, what happened?â?

2nd woman: â??I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became soexhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.â?

A vegetarian leaks.

1st woman: â??Too bad you didn?t look in the freezer ? we?d both still be alive.â?

All the best to my father? hahaha what a laugh this guys has? must be in the yoga.

This is a classic SNL bit that I found for your entertainment. I have been in technical support, well project management my whole career and I have to say, they really hit this one well? I hope people don?t view me like Nick Burns hahaha. Your computer guy, Nick Burns brings it home with this old funny joke.

2. You say I?m a bitch like it?s a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren?t we a damn ray of sunshine!

5. Don?t bother me; I?m living happily every after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn?t an office?it?s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don?t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I?m not crazy. I?ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I?m not your type. I?m not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven?t gone to sleep yet!

16. Back off! Youâ??re standing in my aura.

17. Don?t worry?I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait?I?m trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder?my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that they style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I?m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn?t count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes?Do you see one ounce of ?gives-a-shit??

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Katie came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went straight to the water cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, ?Katie, I?ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.?

?I?d rather you jack off,? she replied. ?I really feel like shit this morning!?