Talk Funny Jokes

“If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.” Katharine Hepburn

“You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.” Unknown Author

“The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”“ Unknown Author

“Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.” Joan Rivers

“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.” Unknown Author

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” Joan Crawford

“Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say!” Unknown Author

“When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.”And she never did.” James Fineous McBride

“If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?” Bette Midler

“I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands.” Dudley Moore

“You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.” Dolly Parton

“Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries.” Cher

“A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did.” Edgar Watson Howe

“An old man who marries a young wife grows younger – but she grows older.” Unknown Author

“What female heart can despise gold?” Thomas Gray

“A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.” Helen Rowland

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner

“There will be sex after death, we just won’t be able to feel it.” Lily Tomlin

“Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.” Dorothy Parker

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?” Unknown Author

“Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.” Mae West

“Women like me because I make them laugh. And what is an orgasm, except laughter of the loins?” Mickey Rooney

“A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it.” Don Fraser

A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor.

“It’s worth a try,” he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”

“What?” says the priest. “What happened?”

“You gave birth to a child.”

“But that’s impossible!”

“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.”

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.”

The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?”

The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”