“You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.” Unknown Author

“The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”“ Unknown Author

“Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.” Joan Rivers

“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.” Unknown Author

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” Joan Crawford

“Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say!” Unknown Author

“If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?” Bette Midler

“I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands.” Dudley Moore

“You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.” Dolly Parton

“Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries.” Cher

“A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did.” Edgar Watson Howe

“An old man who marries a young wife grows younger – but she grows older.” Unknown Author

“A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.” Helen Rowland

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner

“There will be sex after death, we just won’t be able to feel it.” Lily Tomlin

“Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.” Dorothy Parker

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?” Unknown Author

“Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.” Mae West

“Women like me because I make them laugh. And what is an orgasm, except laughter of the loins?” Mickey Rooney

“A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it.” Don Fraser

The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor.

“It’s worth a try,” he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”

“What?” says the priest. “What happened?”

“You gave birth to a child.”

“But that’s impossible!”

“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.”

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.”

The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?”

The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”

“hello?” says the strange voice

“who is this” says the man

“this is the maid” says the strange voice

“i dont have a maid” says the man

“i was hired today by your wife” says the maid

“let me talk to her” says the man

“shes in bed with a man who seems to be her boy friend” says the maid

the man thinks about this for awhile and finally answers

“get my gun in the closet and kill both of them, if you do it i’ll give you 10,000 dollars”

the man then hears footsteps and two gunshots

“where should i put the bodies?” says the maid

“put them in the swimming pool” says the man

“you dont have a swimming pool” says the maid

“is this 831-9532?” says the man

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred … then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door…

There, leaning against my car was her husband. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

I kept it to myself that I thought their “little test” was bullshit, but I’m marrying their daughter, not them.

I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was to get a condom.

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70?s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her
dismay, she opened
the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheel chair. He had
no arms or legs.

?You?re not really asking me to consider you, are
you?? the widow said.
?Just look at you – you have no legs!?

The old gentleman smiled, ?Therefore, I cannot run
around on you!?
< BR ?You don?t have any arms either!? she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, ?Therefore, I can never
beat you!?

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ?A re you
still good in bed??

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,?
I rang the doorbell, didn?t I??

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday?

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

?What in bag?? asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ?It?s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband?.

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
?Good trade?..?

?It?s just too hot to wear clothes today,? Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ?honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this??
?Probably that I married you for your money,? she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I?ll beat him to death. AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ?Instruction Manual.