Talk Funny Jokes

The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair.?Listen to these features: it?s calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that?s not all??
?Very impressive,? interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, ?but before I place an order I?ll have to try it out.?

?Be my guest,? said the manufacturer graciously.

No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth, ?One at a time, please, one at a time!?

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.Â

Woods turns to Wonder and says, ?How?s the singing career going??
Stevie Wonder replies, ?Not too bad. How?s the golf??Â
Woods replies, ?Not too bad, I?ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I?ve got that going right now.?
Stevie says, ?I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.?

Tiger says, ?You play golf??

Wonder says, ?Oh, yes, I?ve been playing for years.?Â
Woods says, ?But you?re blind! How can you play golf if you can?t see??Wonder replies, ?I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the next shot till I get to the green.?
?But how do you putt?? asks Woods.

?Well,? says Stevie, I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice.?

Woods asks, ?What?s your handicap??

Stevie says, ?Well, I?m a scratch golfer.?

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, ?We?ve got to play a round sometime.?

Wonder replies, ?Well, people don?t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.?

Woods thinks it over and says, ?OK, I?m for that, when would you like to play??

Stevie says, ?Pick a night.?

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1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum 8 inches from the trunk.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO?

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet

and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor s 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man?s land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coalmine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
?If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.?

In response to Bill?s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash? twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.

You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ?This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation? warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask ?Are you sure?? before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You?d have to press the ?Start? button to turn the engine off.

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.