A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home… I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife Julie, can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor.

“It’s worth a try,” he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”

“What?” says the priest. “What happened?”

“You gave birth to a child.”

“But that’s impossible!”

“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.”

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.”

The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?”

The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”

“hello?” says the strange voice

“who is this” says the man

“this is the maid” says the strange voice

“i dont have a maid” says the man

“i was hired today by your wife” says the maid

“let me talk to her” says the man

“shes in bed with a man who seems to be her boy friend” says the maid

the man thinks about this for awhile and finally answers

“get my gun in the closet and kill both of them, if you do it i’ll give you 10,000 dollars”

the man then hears footsteps and two gunshots

“where should i put the bodies?” says the maid

“put them in the swimming pool” says the man

“you dont have a swimming pool” says the maid

“is this 831-9532?” says the man

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred … then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door…

There, leaning against my car was her husband. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

I kept it to myself that I thought their “little test” was bullshit, but I’m marrying their daughter, not them.

I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was to get a condom.

Granddaughter excitedly runs ahead, into the room, and jumps up on the hospital bed.

“Grandpa!” she says, and then comes closer to whisper conspiratorially to him, “can you make a frog call when Grandma gets here?”

He smiles, “I guess. Why, though?”

“Cos Grandma says that when you croak we’re going to Disneyland!”

She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

She asked the shepherd, ?If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one??

He replied ?Sure!? Out of the blue, she blurts out, ?352!?

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep.

She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, ?If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!?

The old guy says to the young guy,
“Sorry about that, I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying
attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for
my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, “It doesn’t matter… let’s look for yours.”