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Lesson Learned (Tagalog Jokes)

Tandang Tanda Namin Ni Kuya Ang Saya At Lumbay Sa Poder Nila Inay At Itay… Lalo Na Ang Mga Magagandang Lessons Na Natutunan Namin Sa Kanila!

Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako ng HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas. Mga punyeta kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay.”

Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay. “Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!”

Si Itay, tinuruan niya kami ni Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng TIME TRAVEL. “Kung di kayo tumigil ng pagngangawa diyan, tatadyakan ko kayo ng todo hanggang umabot kayo sa isang linggo!”

Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC. “Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko.”

Kay Inay din ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC. “Kapag ikaw ay nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood ng sine.”

Kay Itay naman natuto ng FORESIGHT si Kuya. “Siguraduhin mo na lagi kang mag susuot ng malinis na brief, para pag nakascore ka sa syota mo e di kahihiyahiya.”

Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sahibin ng IRONY. “Sige ngumalngal ka, kung di bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!”

Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM. “Tignan mo nga yan dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tignan mo?!?”

Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng STAMINA. “Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga’t di mo natatapos kainin lahat yan gulay mo!”

At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng BAD WEATHER. “Alangya, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng bagyo!”

CIRCLE OF LIFE, ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay ay ganito: “Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong ito.”

Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Tatadyakan kita diyan, huwag ka ngang maguumarte diyan ng parang Nanay mo!”

Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng GRATITUDE. “Mga leche kayo, maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang, di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?!”

Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION. “Tangna kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay….”!

Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa aking kung ano ang HUMOR. “Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawn mover, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpohin kita!”

Kay Itay naman natuto si Kuya ng HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “Kung di ka matutong magbati, eh di ka nga tatangkad.”

Si Inay ang nagturo sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS. “Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya.”

Kay Inay din ako natuto ng WISDOM. “Pag umabot ka na ng edad ko, saka mo pa lang maiintindihan ang lahat.”

At ang paborito ko sa lahat na natutunan ko kay Inay at Itay ay kung ano ang JUSTICE. “Isang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak, panalangin namin na sana’y matulad sila sa yo…haliparot!”

The iFamily Picture

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Abbott and Costello & Computers – Talk Funny Jokes

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on?

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, ?Who?s on First?? might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I?m setting up an office in my den and I?m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name?s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don?t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name?s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don?t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, ! for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let?s just say I?m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ?W?.

COSTELLO: I?m going to click your blue ?w? if you don?t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That?s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What?s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn?t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on ?START?????.

TECH SUPPORT – Talk Funny Jokes

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Playing Card Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6. I can?t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications.

I?m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn?t Work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,

Troubled User?..

_____________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support.

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance!

Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2 however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

Deborah Gates

THE SPORTS FAN – Talk Funny Jokes

Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set. ?Hey,? Alex shouted, ?what do you think you?re doing??

?I am sick of sports, and I?m sick of TV,? his wife replied. ?You haven?t touched me in months. We?re going to talk about sex right now!? ?Okay, Okay. So?? After a moment, he asked, ?How often do you think Brett Favre gets laid??