?I am sick of sports, and I?m sick of TV,? his wife replied. ?You haven?t touched me in months. We?re going to talk about sex right now!? ?Okay, Okay. So?? After a moment, he asked, ?How often do you think Brett Favre gets laid??

?I?m impressed. Can you run??

?Of course I can run,? said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash. ?Great!? enthused the coach. ?But can you pass a football?? The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.

?Well, sir,? he said, ?if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.?

?Get up dear,? she said, ?it?s 20 to seven.?

He awoke with a start and said, ?In whose favour??

Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, ?Do you want to live with Papa Bear??

?No,? Baby Bear replies, ?he beats me.?

Then the judge asks, ?Do you want to live with Mama Bear??

?No,? Baby Bear replies, ?she beats me too.?

So the Judge says, ?Who do you want to live with then??

Baby Bear replies, ?I want to live with the Chicago Bears;

they donâ??t beat anybody.?

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, ?Who stopped the elephant??

?I did,? said the centipede.

?Who stopped the rhino??

?Uh, that was me too,? said the centipede.

?And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss??

?Well, that was me as well,? said the centipede.

?So where were you during all of the first half when we needed you?? demanded the coach.

?Well,? said the centipede, ?I was having my ankles taped.?

?No,? he says, ?The seat is empty.?

?This is incredible,? said the man. ?Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it??

He says, ?Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to

Come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven?t been to together since we got married in 1987.?

?Oh ? I?m sorry to hear that. That?s terrible. But couldn?t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat??

The man shakes his head. ?No they?re all at the funeral.?

3. Some people are alive only because it?s illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don?t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You?re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I?m not a complete idiot ? Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being ?over the hill? is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts: Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs. A day?s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there?s no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Weston.

29. I smile because I don?t know what the hell is going on.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, ?Who?s on First?? might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I?m setting up an office in my den and I?m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name?s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don?t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name?s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don?t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, ! for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let?s just say I?m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ?W?.

COSTELLO: I?m going to click your blue ?w? if you don?t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That?s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What?s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn?t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on ?START?????.

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Playing Card Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6. I can?t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications.

I?m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn?t Work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,

Troubled User?..

_____________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support.

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance!

Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2 however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

Deborah Gates