Talk Funny Jokes » Quotes

Abraham Lincoln Favorite Quote

admin — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 04:27:07 +0000

Definition of Terms Joke

admin — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 10:42:39 +0000

Butt (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
Male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal.

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Making love (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

Pinoy Text Messages Quotes and Jokes: Tagalog Jokes Qoutes Text …

admin — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 03:24:00 +0000

Love Quotes SMS Text Messages, Filipino Tagalog Love Quotes, Visayan Love Quotes, Filipino Love Quotes, Pinoy Jokes SMS Text Messages, Funny Jokes, Tagalog Jokes , Visayan Jokes, SMS Jokes, SMS Love Quotes, Romantic Qoutes, …

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Pinoy Text Messages Quotes and Jokes: Tagalog Jokes Qoutes Text …

Funny Story Man

admin — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 04:11:51 +0000

Football FINALLY makes sense???. A guy took his
blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats
right behind their team?s bench. After the game,
he asked her how she liked the experience.

?Oh, I really liked it,? she replied, ?especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn?t understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents.?

Dumbfounded, her date asked, ?What do you mean?? ?Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
?Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!?

I?m like?Helloooooo?

It?s only 25 cents!!!!

Talk Funny Jokes: Funny Story Collection

admin — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 09:36:00 +0000

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there’s a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they’re laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, “I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I’ve been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You’re a great lover Morris.” Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says,” I was here already?”
=================================================
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”The kid replies, “Yeah.”

The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.” The kid continued, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the d*** underneath the horse, instead of on top.”
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A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?” Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma. “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But you’re so old… how do you do it?” Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck ‘em dry!”
==========================================
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, “So, do you notice anything different about me?” “What’s different? It’s the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants.”

“What’s different?” Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, “Bessie, do you notice anything different?” “What’s different, Sam? It’s hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Angrily, Sam yells, “Do you know why it’s hanging down? ‘Cause it’s looking at my new boots!!”
Bessie replies, “You shoulda bought a hat!”

Talk Funny Jokes: List of Jokes

admin — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 09:23:00 +0000

1. The roundest knight at King Arthurs Round Table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, itll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I’ll go on a head.

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said, Keep off the Grass.

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, No change yet.

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In a democracy, its your vote that counts. In feudalism, its your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Talk Funny Jokes: Birds

admin — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 09:22:00 +0000

Why do Sea Gulls fly over the sea?
Cause if they flew over the bay they be bagels
A Swan goes to a bar and orders alot of drinks, the bartender says he has to pay and he says no just put it on my Bill
What does a peinguin eat?
An iceburger
What does a peniguin eat for salad?
Iceberg lettuce
WHat is black&White and red all over?
A peningun with a bad sunburn

Talk Funny Jokes: Blind Date

admin — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 09:18:00 +0000

How to get rid of blind dates
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the place mat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at women’s legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than s/he does.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What took you so long in the restroom?!?”
23. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
24. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
25. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
26. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
27. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
28. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
29. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
30. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
31. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e., anything on the table that isn’t bolted down.
32. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
33. Auction your date off for silverware.
34. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
35. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
36. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
37. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
38. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
39. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
40. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
41. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
42. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you’re taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it’s a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
43. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
44. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
45. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
46. Accuse your date of espionage.
47. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
48. Don’t use any verbs during the entire meal.
49. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
50. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you’ve brought along.
51. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
52. Make sure your entire outfit was purchased at the Purdue University Bookstore.
53. After kissing him/her explain that you’re doing a study on the spread of mononucleosis.
54. Shoot hoops with shrimp into his/her wine glass.
55. Show up with make up on ninety percent of your body…all lipstick… especially if you’re male.
56. Dominate the conversation. Every time your date opens his/her mouth, interrupt and start a new conversation.
57. As you food arrives, mention how long it’s been since you last ate raw meat.
58. Yawn. Don’t cover your mouth. Roar.

Talk Funny Jokes: Congressman Joke

admin — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 08:53:00 +0000

Late one night in Washington,D.C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs.

“Give me your money!” He demanded. the man stiffened, but said indignantly, “You cant do this to me -I’m a U.S. Congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the robber, “give me my money!”

Talk Funny Jokes: Viruses Jokes

admin — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 08:49:00 +0000

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.

TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus)
Your whole computer goes down (but I think “we go on”).

DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy : ) .

PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 floppy, then discards it through windows.