1. The roundest knight at King Arthurs Round Table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of maths disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, itll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I’ll go on a head.
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said, Keep off the Grass.
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, No change yet.
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In a democracy, its your vote that counts. In feudalism, its your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Why do Sea Gulls fly over the sea?
Cause if they flew over the bay they be bagels
A Swan goes to a bar and orders alot of drinks, the bartender says he has to pay and he says no just put it on my Bill
What does a peinguin eat?
What does a peniguin eat for salad?
WHat is black&White and red all over?
A peningun with a bad sunburn
How to get rid of blind dates
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the place mat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at women’s legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than s/he does.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What took you so long in the restroom?!?”
23. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
24. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
25. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
26. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
27. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
28. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
29. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
30. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
31. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e., anything on the table that isn’t bolted down.
32. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
33. Auction your date off for silverware.
34. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
35. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
36. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
37. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
38. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
39. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
40. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
41. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
42. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you’re taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it’s a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
43. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
44. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
45. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
46. Accuse your date of espionage.
47. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
48. Don’t use any verbs during the entire meal.
49. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
50. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you’ve brought along.
51. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
52. Make sure your entire outfit was purchased at the Purdue University Bookstore.
53. After kissing him/her explain that you’re doing a study on the spread of mononucleosis.
54. Shoot hoops with shrimp into his/her wine glass.
55. Show up with make up on ninety percent of your body…all lipstick… especially if you’re male.
56. Dominate the conversation. Every time your date opens his/her mouth, interrupt and start a new conversation.
57. As you food arrives, mention how long it’s been since you last ate raw meat.
58. Yawn. Don’t cover your mouth. Roar.
Gives you a 7 inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus)
Your whole computer goes down (but I think “we go on”).
Everything in your computer goes Goofy : ) .
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.
JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 floppy, then discards it through windows.