After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.
?Get up dear,? she said, ?it?s 20 to seven.?
He awoke with a start and said, ?In whose favour??
Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse.
Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, ?Do you want to live with Papa Bear??
?No,? Baby Bear replies, ?he beats me.?
Then the judge asks, ?Do you want to live with Mama Bear??
?No,? Baby Bear replies, ?she beats me too.?
So the Judge says, ?Who do you want to live with then??
Baby Bear replies, ?I want to live with the Chicago Bears;
they donâ??t beat anybody.?
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, ?Who stopped the elephant??
?I did,? said the centipede.
?Who stopped the rhino??
?Uh, that was me too,? said the centipede.
?And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss??
?Well, that was me as well,? said the centipede.
?So where were you during all of the first half when we needed you?? demanded the coach.
?Well,? said the centipede, ?I was having my ankles taped.?
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?
At 8 ? You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 ? You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 ? You don?t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 ? She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 ? She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 ? You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 ? If you take her to bed, that?ll be a story!
At 78 ? What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down,a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
?No,? he says, ?The seat is empty.?
?This is incredible,? said the man. ?Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it??
He says, ?Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
Come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven?t been to together since we got married in 1987.?
?Oh ? I?m sorry to hear that. That?s terrible. But couldn?t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat??
The man shakes his head. ?No they?re all at the funeral.?