(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Get an ostensible free in every box!

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in something.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don?t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That?s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That?s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you?re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ?Thanks a lot? – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ?you?re welcome? – - – that will bring on a ?whatever?).

(8) Whatever: Is a women?s way of saying ?You?ll find out how I truly feel?!

(9) Don?t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ?What?s wrong?? For the woman?s response refer to # 3.

1st woman: â??It wasn?t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?â?

2nd woman: â??I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.â?

1st woman: â??So, what happened?â?

2nd woman: â??I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became soexhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.â?

A vegetarian leaks.

1st woman: â??Too bad you didn?t look in the freezer ? we?d both still be alive.â?

?To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you?re getting this down.? – Woody Allen, Love and Death

â??If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?â? – Anonymous

â??Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely.â? – Hawkeye, M.A.S.H.

â??Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.â? – Hoosier Farmer

â??True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.â? – Erich Segal

â??Love wouldn?t be blind if the Braille weren?t so damned much fun.â? – Anonymous

â??Falling in love is so hard on the knees.â? – Aerosmith

â??Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.â? – Jules Renard

â??Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.â? – Peter Ustinov

â??Love is a grave mental disease.â? â?? Plato

?I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine?s day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it?s these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.â? â?? Anonymous and now dead.

â??I don?t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine?s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.â? â?? Anonymous

Basement smells bad. Look for cat poops, change litter. Happy Valentines Day. (note to her gardener) â?? Martha Stewart

â??I wanted to make it really special on Valentine?s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.â? Tracy Smith

He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse.

They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up.

They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball.

He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain.

He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded.

It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball.

The helpful male golfer lifted the cowâ??s tail and asked, ?Does this look like yours??

Thatâ??s when it happened.

it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station – a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Who says you can?t potty train a man?

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

?Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. ?

Now, close your eyes and repeat to yourself, ?I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson?.

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!

?Be my guest,? said the manufacturer graciously.

No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth, ?One at a time, please, one at a time!?

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70?s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her
dismay, she opened
the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheel chair. He had
no arms or legs.

?You?re not really asking me to consider you, are
you?? the widow said.
?Just look at you – you have no legs!?

The old gentleman smiled, ?Therefore, I cannot run
around on you!?
< BR ?You don?t have any arms either!? she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, ?Therefore, I can never
beat you!?

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ?A re you
still good in bed??

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,?
I rang the doorbell, didn?t I??

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday?

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

?What in bag?? asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ?It?s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband?.

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
?Good trade?..?