(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Get an ostensible free in every box!

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in something.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don?t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That?s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That?s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you?re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ?Thanks a lot? – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ?you?re welcome? – - – that will bring on a ?whatever?).

(8) Whatever: Is a women?s way of saying ?You?ll find out how I truly feel?!

(9) Don?t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ?What?s wrong?? For the woman?s response refer to # 3.

1st woman: â??It wasn?t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?â?

2nd woman: â??I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.â?

1st woman: â??So, what happened?â?

2nd woman: â??I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became soexhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.â?

A vegetarian leaks.

1st woman: â??Too bad you didn?t look in the freezer ? we?d both still be alive.â?

it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station – a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Who says you can?t potty train a man?

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

?Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. ?

Now, close your eyes and repeat to yourself, ?I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson?.

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!

?Be my guest,? said the manufacturer graciously.

No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth, ?One at a time, please, one at a time!?