(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Get an ostensible free in every box!

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in something.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don?t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That?s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That?s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you?re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ?Thanks a lot? – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ?you?re welcome? – - – that will bring on a ?whatever?).

(8) Whatever: Is a women?s way of saying ?You?ll find out how I truly feel?!

(9) Don?t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ?What?s wrong?? For the woman?s response refer to # 3.

1st woman: â??It wasn?t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?â?

2nd woman: â??I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.â?

1st woman: â??So, what happened?â?

2nd woman: â??I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became soexhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.â?

A vegetarian leaks.

1st woman: â??Too bad you didn?t look in the freezer ? we?d both still be alive.â?

?To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you?re getting this down.? – Woody Allen, Love and Death

â??If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?â? – Anonymous

â??Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely.â? – Hawkeye, M.A.S.H.

â??Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.â? – Hoosier Farmer

â??True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.â? – Erich Segal

â??Love wouldn?t be blind if the Braille weren?t so damned much fun.â? – Anonymous

â??Falling in love is so hard on the knees.â? – Aerosmith

â??Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.â? – Jules Renard

â??Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.â? – Peter Ustinov

â??Love is a grave mental disease.â? â?? Plato

?I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine?s day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it?s these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.â? â?? Anonymous and now dead.

â??I don?t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine?s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.â? â?? Anonymous

Basement smells bad. Look for cat poops, change litter. Happy Valentines Day. (note to her gardener) â?? Martha Stewart

â??I wanted to make it really special on Valentine?s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.â? Tracy Smith

He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse.

They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up.

They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball.

He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain.

He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded.

It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball.

The helpful male golfer lifted the cowâ??s tail and asked, ?Does this look like yours??

Thatâ??s when it happened.

All the best to my father? hahaha what a laugh this guys has? must be in the yoga.

This is a classic SNL bit that I found for your entertainment. I have been in technical support, well project management my whole career and I have to say, they really hit this one well? I hope people don?t view me like Nick Burns hahaha. Your computer guy, Nick Burns brings it home with this old funny joke.

2. You say I?m a bitch like it?s a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren?t we a damn ray of sunshine!

5. Don?t bother me; I?m living happily every after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn?t an office?it?s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don?t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I?m not crazy. I?ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I?m not your type. I?m not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven?t gone to sleep yet!

16. Back off! Youâ??re standing in my aura.

17. Don?t worry?I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait?I?m trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder?my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that they style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I?m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn?t count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes?Do you see one ounce of ?gives-a-shit??

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Katie came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went straight to the water cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, ?Katie, I?ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.?

?I?d rather you jack off,? she replied. ?I really feel like shit this morning!?

He thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and he is certain that he is better educated than any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and to have some fun at the Texas deputy?s expense!!

Deputy says: ?License and Registration please.?

Lawyer says: ?What for??

Deputy says: ?You didn?t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.?

Lawyer says: ?I slowed down, and no one was coming.?

Deputy says: ?You still didn?t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.?

Lawyer says: ?What?s the difference??

Deputy says: ?The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that?s the law. License and registration please!?

Lawyer says: ?If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I?ll give you my license and registration; and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don?t give me the ticket.?

Deputy says: ?Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, please Sir.?

The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it and then says, ?Do you want me to stop, or just slow down??