Talk Funny Jokes » funny jokes

Ostrich Joke

admin — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 10:13:20 +0000

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, “I’ll have a beer” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have a beer too” says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says “That will be $3.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says “I’ll have a beer,”
The ostrich says “I’ll have the same.”
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the bartender.
“Well, it’s close to last orders, so I’ll have a large Scotch” says the man.
“Same for me” says the ostrich.
“That will be $7.20″ says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
“That’s fantastic!” says the bartender. “You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man replies, “Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

Lesson Learned (Tagalog Jokes)

admin — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 08:40:10 +0000

Tandang Tanda Namin Ni Kuya Ang Saya At Lumbay Sa Poder Nila Inay At Itay… Lalo Na Ang Mga Magagandang Lessons Na Natutunan Namin Sa Kanila!

Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako ng HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas. Mga punyeta kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay.”

Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay. “Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!”

Si Itay, tinuruan niya kami ni Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng TIME TRAVEL. “Kung di kayo tumigil ng pagngangawa diyan, tatadyakan ko kayo ng todo hanggang umabot kayo sa isang linggo!”

Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC. “Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko.”

Kay Inay din ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC. “Kapag ikaw ay nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood ng sine.”

Kay Itay naman natuto ng FORESIGHT si Kuya. “Siguraduhin mo na lagi kang mag susuot ng malinis na brief, para pag nakascore ka sa syota mo e di kahihiyahiya.”

Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sahibin ng IRONY. “Sige ngumalngal ka, kung di bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!”

Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM. “Tignan mo nga yan dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tignan mo?!?”

Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng STAMINA. “Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga’t di mo natatapos kainin lahat yan gulay mo!”

At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng BAD WEATHER. “Alangya, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng bagyo!”

CIRCLE OF LIFE, ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay ay ganito: “Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong ito.”

Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Tatadyakan kita diyan, huwag ka ngang maguumarte diyan ng parang Nanay mo!”

Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng GRATITUDE. “Mga leche kayo, maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang, di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?!”

Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION. “Tangna kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay….”!

Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa aking kung ano ang HUMOR. “Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawn mover, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpohin kita!”

Kay Itay naman natuto si Kuya ng HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “Kung di ka matutong magbati, eh di ka nga tatangkad.”

Si Inay ang nagturo sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS. “Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya.”

Kay Inay din ako natuto ng WISDOM. “Pag umabot ka na ng edad ko, saka mo pa lang maiintindihan ang lahat.”

At ang paborito ko sa lahat na natutunan ko kay Inay at Itay ay kung ano ang JUSTICE. “Isang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak, panalangin namin na sana’y matulad sila sa yo…haliparot!”

Lizard Joke (Butiki Tagalog Jokes)

admin — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 08:07:08 +0000

1.) a lizard fell on the table:

genius:
oh, reptila scincidae

kikay:
eew lizard

astig:
shit butiki

mataray:
shucks butiks

mayaman:
yuck lacoste

poor:
pare ulam

3.) kung ikaw ang nasa sitwasyon na ito
kanino ka mas hihigit na hahanga?

sa taong iniwan ang lahat para sa minamahal nya

sa pusang naghaharlem?

What Gets You Annoyed in Google Plus

admin — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 03:40:57 +0000

The Latest Dell MP3 Player Picture

admin — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 00:06:44 +0000

Clear Joke -Talk Funny Jokes

admin — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 18:33:28 +0000

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Get an ostensible free in every box!

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in something.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don?t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That?s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That?s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you?re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ?Thanks a lot? – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ?you?re welcome? – - – that will bring on a ?whatever?).

(8) Whatever: Is a women?s way of saying ?You?ll find out how I truly feel?!

(9) Don?t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ?What?s wrong?? For the woman?s response refer to # 3.

Dont Mess -Talk Funny Jokes

admin — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 18:33:28 +0000

1st woman: â??Hi! My name is Wanda.â?2nd woman: â??Hi! I?m Kelly. How?d you die?â?1st woman: â??I Froze to Death.â?2nd woman: â??How Horrible!â?

1st woman: â??It wasn?t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?â?

2nd woman: â??I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.â?

1st woman: â??So, what happened?â?

2nd woman: â??I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became soexhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.â?

A vegetarian leaks.

1st woman: â??Too bad you didn?t look in the freezer ? we?d both still be alive.â?

The Stress Laugh – Talk Funny Jokes

admin — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 18:33:28 +0000

This has got to be one of the FUNNIEST freakin videos out there? Recently my father sent me a paper he did on stress management in the work force? I would however like to end off that paper with the following?

All the best to my father? hahaha what a laugh this guys has? must be in the yoga.

SNL Technical Support Guy – Talk Funny Jokes

admin — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 18:33:28 +0000

A vegetarian leaks.

This is a classic SNL bit that I found for your entertainment. I have been in technical support, well project management my whole career and I have to say, they really hit this one well? I hope people don?t view me like Nick Burns hahaha. Your computer guy, Nick Burns brings it home with this old funny joke.

30 Things Stressed Women Might want to Say At Work – Talk Funny Jokes

admin — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 18:33:28 +0000

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.

2. You say I?m a bitch like it?s a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren?t we a damn ray of sunshine!

5. Don?t bother me; I?m living happily every after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn?t an office?it?s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don?t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I?m not crazy. I?ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I?m not your type. I?m not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven?t gone to sleep yet!

16. Back off! Youâ??re standing in my aura.

17. Don?t worry?I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait?I?m trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder?my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that they style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I?m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn?t count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes?Do you see one ounce of ?gives-a-shit??