Talk Funny Jokes

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV?s in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, ?Oh Shit!?Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:?Hold my beer, I?m gonna try somethinâ???

Three nuns were attending a Hockey game. Three men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they?d get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, ?I think I?m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there.?

Then the second guy spoke up and said, ?I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there.?

The third guy said, ?I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there.?

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said

?Why don?t you just go to Hell, there aren?t any nuns there.?

?..supposedly taken from actual police car videos across the country??

#15 – ?Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they?re new.

They?ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.?

#14 – ?Take your hands off the car, and I?ll make your

birth certificate a worthless document.?

#13 – ?If you run, you?ll only go to jail tired.?

#12 – ?Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn?t know,

that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.?

#11 – ?So you don?t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh??

#10 – ?Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don?t think it will help?

Oh? did I mention that ?I? am the shift supervisor??

#9 – ?Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I?m warning you not to do that again

or I?ll give you another ticket.?

#8 – ?The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.

Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog??

#7 – ?Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride

on rides and eat cotton candy.?

#6 – ?Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.?

#5 – ?In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.?

#4 – ?Just how big were those two beers??

#3 – ?No sir we don?t have quotas anymore. We use to have quotas but now we?re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.?

#2 – ?I?m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.?

?..And?..THE BEST ONE!!!!!

#1 – ?You didn?t think we give pretty women tickets? ?.You?re right, we don?t.

Sign here.

$10,000

?06 Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT 84025

500-mile dealer service.

(Expensive)

It?s been adult ridden,

all wheels have always been on the ground.

I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I?m selling it because it was purchased without the proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently ?do whatever the f*** you want? doesn?t mean what I thought.

Call me, Steve..800-555-5555

Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set. ?Hey,? Alex shouted, ?what do you think you?re doing??

?I am sick of sports, and I?m sick of TV,? his wife replied. ?You haven?t touched me in months. We?re going to talk about sex right now!? ?Okay, Okay. So?? After a moment, he asked, ?How often do you think Brett Favre gets laid??