Talk Funny Jokes

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

?What?s the matter, dear?? she whispers as she steps into the room, ?Why are you down here at this time of night??

The husband looks up from his coffee, ?Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?? he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. ?Yes I do,? she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. ?Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love??

?Yes, I remember,? said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husban d continued. ?Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ?Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years??

?I remember that too? she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said???I would have gotten out today.?

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to
get married again. So she put an ad in the local
newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70?s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her
dismay, she opened
the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheel chair. He had
no arms or legs.

?You?re not really asking me to consider you, are
you?? the widow said.
?Just look at you – you have no legs!?

The old gentleman smiled, ?Therefore, I cannot run
around on you!?
< BR ?You don?t have any arms either!? she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, ?Therefore, I can never
beat you!?

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ?A re you
still good in bed??

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,?
I rang the doorbell, didn?t I??

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday?

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren?t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

?What in bag?? asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ?It?s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband?.

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
?Good trade?..?

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ?What setting do I use on the washing machine??
?It depends,? I replied. ?What does it say on your shirt??
He yelled back, ? University of Oklahoma.?
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
?I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.?
The woman replies, ?I?ll miss you??

?It?s just too hot to wear clothes today,? Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ?honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this??
?Probably that I married you for your money,? she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I?ll beat him to death. AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ?Instruction Manual.