Talk Funny Jokes

Funny Stories
Ok. For those who know me personally (cutiebootie) you know I am a crazy a$$. So here’s a story to fill your days with kin teet.

Killer P

David had been a faithful Christianand was in the hospital near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the psator stood next to the bed, David’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frnatically for somethimg to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and David used his last bit of energy to scribble a not, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the not at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
A the funeral, as he ws finishing the euology, he realized that he wsa wearing the same jacket that he had been wearing when David died. He said, “You know, David handed me a not just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing David, I’m sure that there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”
He opened the note and read, ” You idiot, you are standing on my oxygen tube!”
__________________

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves.
“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”
She said: “No, I don’t have any idea.”
“Well,” he spoofed, “Down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”
She didn’t laugh one bit.
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!”

=========================================================

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the South Austin Dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no re-sponse. After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.
The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well: “How old are you?” No response.
The dentist then asked: “Don’t you know how old you are?” Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
“Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?” Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked: “Can you talk?”
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked: “Yes! And can you count?”

====================================================

“Open wider,” requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.
“Good grief!” he said startled. “You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen… the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
“OK Doc!” replied the patient. “I’m scared enough without you saying something like that twice.”
“I didn’t!” said the dentist, “That was the echo.”

Due to mounting public critism last April, the Comelec secretly held a special qualificatory exam for showbiz candidate to see if they were intelligent enough to run for public office. Each candidate got a piece of paper from an empty ballot box which contained different kinds of questions. The following is the actual declassified transcript:

Commissioner: What is the difference between lightning and electricity?

Bong: Lightning is free but electricity is not.

C: How many sides does a circle have?

Rey: Two, THe inside and the outside

C: What is a planet?

Lou: A planet is a body of Earth surrounded by sky.

C: What is Uranus
George: Sir, do we have to describe that

C: How can you tell when you’re breathing and not breathing?
Edu: When you breath, you inspire, When you don’t breath, you expire.

C: What does the word ‘germinate’ mean
Nora: When you become a German citizen

C: What is the difference between H20 and C20?
Dingdon:g Easy lang, H20 means hot water and C20 means cold water.

C: What does momentum mean?
Vilma: That’s what you give a person when they are going away

C: Where can you find finland?
Anjo: Inside an original Nokia cellphone

C: What is the capital of the United States?
Herbert: There are two, capital letter ‘U’ and ‘S’

C: What is water composed of?
Philip: It’s composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin, Oxygin, sir is pure gin, while hydrogin , is gin and water naman

C: what is dew?
Lander: Dew is what you see on leavces when the sun shines down on them and they start to make pawis.

C: What is respiration?
Rudy: It;s composed of inspiration , then expectoration

C: What is the longest word in the dictionary?
Isko: Elastic sir, because you can stretch it very long.

C: How do you save a drowning victim
Joey: You climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration

C: Where can you find Guatemala?
Lito: In the botany book . It’s aother kind of gumamela

C: What is Iraq?
Mikey: A kind of stone , sir.

funny tagalog lines Joke: Babae

Angry woman: Hindo mo ba alam dear na 25 taon na tao engaged?!
Absend -minded man: Ha, 25 taon?
Woman: oo mister!, wala pa ba tayong planong mg-asawa, aber?!

tagalog funny lines: Ama at Anak

Anak: Daddy, how much money I am worth?
Ama: Pricelless ka, anak, sa amin.
Anak: Sa tingin ninyo ba I’m worth a thousand pesos?
Ama: Mas higit pa dyan anak
Anak: A million pesos?
Ama: Mas higit pa rin diyan anak,
Anak: Di puwede ko na kayo singilin, Daddy?

tagalog funny lines: Magnanakaw

Nagnakaw si Arman ng isang katutak na bagong sapatos. Nung Umuwi siya ay inombag siya ng tatay at nanay nya, so bilang pagsisisi ay nagkumpisal siya sa pari.

Arman: Father, bless me po for I have sinned.
Pari: Ano yun anak?
Arman: Nagnakaw po ako ng isang katutak na bagong sapatos
Pari: Ah…ganun ba..ilapit mo ng konti ang mukha mo at magsalita ka ng pabulong.
Arman: Ay, bakit po?
Pari: Meron ka ba diyan size 8?

Funny Tagalog Lines: Kilig

Tanung ng Poljak Kay Kekang: May nakapagsabi na ba sayo na maganda ka?
Kekang: (kilig to the max) actually wala pa nga eh!
Poljak: Ah ganun ba? TOtoo nga talaga sabi nila tungkol sayo..

Funny Tagalog Lines: Girls only

Guy: Hi! Ahh, umm, I just wanna ask, didn’t we go on a date once?Or was it twice?
SHE: I think once. Kasi , I never make the same mistake twice!

Funny Tagalog Celebrity Lines:

TEXT NI KIM: Ger pasa mo me P2 load may important me itext.
REPLY NI GERALD: Cge(Sends P2 load)
KIM: (message receive))K! got it tnx!
GERALD: Gagits mo wag na u replay sayang!
KIM: ok tnx again!

Funny Tagalog Quote: Politics

What is the real meaning of the word politics?
POLI -numerous
TICS – bloodsuckers

funny lines tagalog : Easy Tagalog

Quick and easy tagalog for beginners

What is handsome? Guwapo
What is beautiful? Maganda
What is cute? Of course, AKO!

Funny lines tagalog : Filipino Chinese Conversion

How to you say mataba siya – Wun Fat Gai
How to you say halika na dito – Kum Hia Nao
How to you say hindi ko bibilhin – No Bai Dam Ting
How to you say nangitim ka – Wai yu So tan
How to you say walang bayad ito – Ai No Pei
How to you say bakit ka aalis – Wai Go Nao
How to you say bakit ngayon ka lang – Wai Yu Kam Nao
How to you say matagal ka naghintay – Hao Long Wei Ting
How to you say may kinakain ako – Mun Ching Sum Ting
How to you say may bawal mg park – No Pah King
How to you say heto na sila – Hia Dei Kam
How to you say pag aalis ka na – Wen Yu Go
How to you say masaya talaga kami – Wee So Ha Pe
How to you say Kumanta ka nama – Yu SIng Sung
How to you say kanta tayo Lady Marmalade – Wai Yu Sing Dum Sung

Ricky Reyes and Fanny Serrano had a big fight over who was the better hairstylist

Ricky: Mas magaling ako sa iyo! Look at my branches!
Fanny: Tseh! Hindi ka naman fashion designer kagaya ko!
Pumasok si Jun Encarnation to help the two make peace
Jun: Sige na, mga sisters, mag kiss and make-up na kayo!
Ricky: Willing ako mag make-up!
Fanny: But I will definitely not kiss!