Q: What do you cal1 20 Flight Attendants in a basement?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What is the difference between a F/A and a jet engine?
A: The engine stops whining at the gate.

Q: Why does it take a F/A 5 minutes to open a carton of orange juice?
A: The carton says \\\”CONCENTRATE.\\\”

Q: What does a retired F/A do when she is nostalgic for her job?
A: She stands in front of the bathroom sink and eats.

Q: How do you get a F/A into your hotel room?
A: Make a sound like an ice machine.

Q: What\\\’s the difference between a good F/A and a bad F/A ?
A: The good F/A says, \\\”Morning, Captain\\\”, and the bad F/A says, \\\”It\\\’s morning Captain!\\\”

Q: What\\\’s the difference between an airbag and a windbag?
A: Seniority.

Q: Why did the pilot die shortly after retirement?
A: His wife didn\\\’t know to feed him every 2 hours.

Q: What does a captain use for birth control?
A: Personality.
Q: What if that doesn\\\’t work?
A: Layover clothes.

Q: Why was the Ohare employee cafeteria closed last week?
A: A captain rented it for his daughter\\\’s wedding reception.

Q: Why don\\\’t pilots vacation with their families?
A: It\\\’s too difficult to get the jumpseat.

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two pilots found a penny at the same time.

Q: What do you call a crew of pilots tipping the hotel van driver?
A: The March of dimes.

Q: What do pilots yell at football games?
A: \\\”Get the quarter back!\\\”

Q: How can you tell a pilot on a layover from a homeless person?
A: The homeless person is the one buying a newspaper.

Q: What\\\’s the difference between a pilot and God?
A: God doesn\\\’t think he\\\’s a pilot.

Q: What\\\’s the difference between Jeffery Dahmer and a pilot?
A: Dahmer didn\\\’t eat every leg.

Q: How do you get a pilot out of the cockpit?
A: Tell him a USA Today was left in First Class.

Well, he said, ?it?s what mommy calls me sometimes?.

The little girl screams to her brother, ?Don?t eat it, it?s an asshole?.

The bartender walks over to them and says, ?What can I get for you??

The man says, ?Iâ??ll have a beer?, the ostrich says, ?Iâ??ll have a beer?, and the cat says, ?Iâ??ll have half a beer and Iâ??m not buying.? So the bartender says, ?OK, that will be $3.87.?

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, ?Whatâ??ll you guys have??

The man says, ?Iâ??ll have a beer?, the ostrich says, ?Iâ??ll have a beer?, and the cat says ?Iâ??ll have half a beer and Iâ??m not buying.? The bartender gets them their beer and says ?Thatâ??ll be $3.87.?

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks, ?What do you guys want today??

The man says, ?Iâ??ll have a scotch?, the ostrich says, ?Iâ??ll have a bourbon?, and the cat says, ?Iâ??ll have half a beer and Iâ??m not buying.? So the bartender says ?OK, that will be $7.53.? The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartenderâ??s curiosity got the best of him and he asks, ?Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket??

The man said, ?I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy.?

The bartender says, ?Thatâ??s a great wish?better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes??

The man says, ?Thatâ??s where I screwed up.

I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.?

The father answers, ?Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

?You got Male!?

?What?s that mean?? asked the child.

?Go ask your father. I think he?s in the garage.?

The little girl goes to the garage and says, ?Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.?

Dad said, ?Bring Belle over here.? He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog?s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said ?OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.?

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, ?Where?s Belle??

The little girl said, ?She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.?

He takes a final drink, and again he hears the voice say ?Nice shoes!?

He calls over the bartender and says, ?You may think Iâ??m crazy, but every time I take a drink, I hear a voice.?

The bartender says ?Youâ??re not crazy, itâ??s the peanuts? theyâ??re complimentary!?

She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were
chatting, she came right out and asked him if he?d ever had a ?sportsman?s double? – a
mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, ?Tonight?s your lucky night.?

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she
shouts upstairs:

?Mom! You still awake??

The second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to its head and sits down.

The bartender says, ?I donâ??t mind the long face, but donâ??t you go and try to start something!?

He says ?Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me?.

His friend says ?Don?t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill?.

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

?You reek of alcohol and you?ve thrown up all over yourself, my God you?re disgusting? .

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, ?Wait. It?s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He?d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn?t hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket.?

She looks in his breast pocket and says, ?But this is forty dollars?.

?Ah, yes.? says the man. ?He peed in my trousers too?.